Who Gets to Control Me?

For the majority of my life I have ceded control of my life, including decisions, beliefs, values, and morals to others in an attempt to gain approval.  I first wanted God's approval and was taught that the only way to get that was through works, holiness and perpetual repentance.  The theology I was raised in taught that while I might live a life of holiness (without which no one can see God), if in a moment of weakness I sinned and God returned before I had repented, I would not be taken in the rapture.  God was a tyrant who was mercurial and not to be trusted.

The family I was raised in was incredibly dysfunctional, and still is.  I was taught that the only way to have my needs met was to go along with whatever dictate the family issued.  Someone was always "in" in the family and and someone was always "out."  You never knew when your status could change from favored one to disfavored one and you never knew why the status changed.  It just did.  My family still insists that I live by the rules and roles they have established for me--after 58 years nothing has changed.  But I have.

The churches I attended have provided the same message--you can't lead even though God has gifted you with leadership capabilities because we don't believe it is scriptural.  You can't wear makeup or cut your hair or wear pants because we have determined that it is not within the standard of holiness, as we define it.  You must submit to you husband in everything because he is your spiritual head--it doesn't matter that he is a child molester and has turned to child pornography for sexual gratification.  Just go home and keep him happy.  Don't think for yourself and for goodness sake, don't make decisions for yourself!  You are a woman, a weaker vessel and it is because of you that sin entered the world.

I married a man who, though I thought he was prince charming, turned out to be a very very sick man.  I sensed from the very early days of our marriage that something had changed--that he didn't fully accept me or maybe even love me.  So I made vows to make myself into just the kind of person he wanted.  He didn't like country music, neither did I (but I really did enjoy some of it).  He didn't like sports, neither did I. He didn't trust personality profiles or psychological testing, then neither did I.  Always wanting to please and always knowing that I never measured up.

And then in a horrible traumatic way, I learned what it would take to please him.  And were it possible for me to do or be what he desired, I would refuse.  I simply could not/would not become a child again.

A number of months ago I wrote about the most horrible but best Christmas gift I ever received.  I didn't know it then but it was my Emancipation Proclamation and Declaration of Independence wrapped messily in one announcement.  He no longer wanted to be married to me; we made the decision to divorce.

For three years, I have struggled to survive and to recover from a lifetime of appeasement and approval-seeking.  For three years I have worked hard to identify those areas of my life that created vulnerabilities and made me willing to sacrifice myself on the altar of another's desires and preferences.  I have learned that I made those sacrifices in order to try to control something that I did not cause and could not cure.  I have learned that I ceded my personal power to another, that I gave myself away--that I betrayed and abandoned my inner child, that young bride and now a middle-aged woman.  I did this to me.  This is my sickness.

So in the quest to rediscover or maybe discover for the first time this self that I had so abandoned, I made the decision to date and recently accepted a wonderful man's proposal of marriage.  It is a decision that has been met with incredible resistance, anger and rejection by some in my family.  And the choice is offered to me again--acquiesce or be rejected and/or abandoned.  Change course or we will offer you the gift of the silent treatment.  Go back to the way you've always been, stay in the role we know you for or I/we cannot/will not accept you.

This time the answer is a resounding NO!"  I will not abandon myself again for the sake of another, no matter how much I love that person.  I shouldn't be asked to.  It should not be a requirement of love given or received.  My responsibility now is what it always has been--take care of me.  It is sad that it has taken me over five decades to figure this out.  But I've learned this important lesson and my vow to myself is to never cede power over me to another.  I am the only one who gets to control me.  In reverence and submission to my PapaGod, it is my job to make decisions for myself.  It is a sacred duty that I owe myself and I am determined to fulfill it at last.

Words to the Broken Woman that was Me

I recently read the heart wrenching words of yet another woman betrayed by her pedophile partner.  Her shock, dismay and fear resonated deeply within my heart--how well I remember those days--days when fear of the future overwhelmed any sense of hope that my children and I could possibly emerge from the nightmare that had suddenly enfolded us.  Words of comfort sprang into my mind--I wanted so much to communicate hope and healing to yet another broken woman whose life, marriage and world had just exploded.  I wanted to tell her what I needed to hear when I sat in my own grief and anguish and yet I know that she cannot hear words of comfort just yet.  For now, she simply needs to cry and she needs individuals who will create and hold space for her to do just that.

So allow me to talk for a bit to that wounded woman who was me just three short years ago.  Here is what I want her to know; these are the concepts I have learned by living them.  This is an assurance that I can offer from the perspective of distance, time and healing.  This is my letter to my own self and to all women who discover that their lives are not what they believed them to be.

Dearest Broken Woman,

I see you sitting in the ash heap of what once looked like a beautiful life.  You are devastated by a betrayal of incredible proportion and you fear what is yet to come.  You sift through the soot and debris looking for something that remains--some remnant of the life you once knew.  The intensity of your aloneness is profound; you feel like a pariah, a leper, an untouchable.  You are raw from the pain and your eyes have shed more tears than you thought was humanly possible.  You long for human comfort and compassion but unfortunately have learned already that few are able to be present in the way that you need them to be.  I am so sorry, so very sorry.

I want you to know that this is not the end of your story or your defining moment.  You will survive this because you are far stronger than you ever imagined.  This devastation is not the final chapter of your life; there is more, so much more--and it will be good.  You will laugh again and experience joy and maybe even love.  You cannot imagine that at this moment but it is true.  You have a future and a hope and your needs will be provided for.  I cannot tell you how but I know from experience that they will be.  And though you feel completely alone, you are being held close by the God who collects your tears and saves them in His bottle.  He has not abandoned or rejected you; this did not catch Him by surprise.

Please hear me when I say this:  you did not cause this, you could not control it and you certainly cannot cure it.  Maybe you've tried (assuming you knew what your partner was up to).  Whether you knew or not, you certainly tried to maintain a good relationship with him, working hard to keep him interested and connected with you and your relationship.  But this is bigger than you and you bear no responsibility for the crimes he has committed.  Repeat that to yourself again and again until it begins to sink into your heart.  You did not do this and you certainly do not deserve it.  This happened to you; you did not do it.

You grieve for your children.  Whether they were victims of his perpetrating behavior or not, they have suffered a grievous loss--a loss of innocence, trust and a parent who may have been a good father to them.  But your children are stronger than you think and they are incredibly resilient.  They are suffering and their lives will never be the same but living in truth always trumps living inside of a falsehood, even a pretty one.  As difficult as this time is for them, they are learning important truths about their father--truths that with love and support may empower them to make different choices in life.

My dearest sister, please don't give up.  It may seem easier to just end it but don't add that to the burden your children must bear.  You will see better days; the memory of this pain will never go away completely but the intensity of it will diminish.  Don't opt for a permanent solution to a temporary problem--choose to embrace life, even the pain it brings because in the end, life is good.  This devastation will be redeemed and one day you will look back on this incredibly painful time as a necessary and good thing.

Hang on!  Reach out to at least one trusted person when you need to; don't be afraid to tell your story again and again and again and again--as long as it takes to digest what just happened to you.  Give yourself space and time to heal and don't be afraid to feel the pain when it comes.  Know that grief is much like the waves crashing on the shore--it comes in quickly and envelops one in pain, confusion and despair.  But just as sure as it came in, it will recede again.  Take a deep breath and plunge into it because that is the path to healing.

You are not alone--there are many of us--far too many to count.  You are not alone and you will survive.  I promise that you will.

Your sister,
Brenda

An Emotionally Unavailable God

My recent posts on connection have spurred additional thinking and pondering, which may or may not be a good thing.  Without question, we were designed for human connection and in its absence we break, we hurt and often we numb.  But we were also designed for spiritual connection and without it have a void in the deepest part of our core.  It is this spiritual void, along with the lack of solid and healthy human connections that drive so much destructive behavior--destructive behavior against self as well as against others.

The Creator designed men and women to join in the connections and interactions that the members of the Godhead enjoy.  Our first glimpse of the Creator at work is of a God who designed all of His creation to be interactive and dynamic--to be a creation of connections.  We see a God who came and walked with Adam and Eve in the Garden that He had created for them and we see the enemy of God coming in and attempting to destroy that sweet communion and connection.  The Genesis account indicates that after they had disobeyed God, Adam and Eve were ashamed and hid themselves from God.  Shame, that nemesis of connection, the originator of disconnections, was born in a Garden designed for connection.


It occurs to me, however, that much of religious teaching and theology paints a picture of a God who is unavailable for emotional connection.  He is a mercurial tyrant, waiting for us to make a mistake--the hammer of his judgment is always ready to fall on unsuspecting and feeble mankind.  Scripture taken out of context and poorly interpreted is used to support this portrait of an unloving, untrustworthy and dangerous task master.  And all of creation trembles in fear rather than dare to draw close to this god, as we were designed to do.

I grew up in legalistic "holiness" churches where frightening scenarios of end-time events was regularly stressed.  According to the theology I was taught, no matter how "good" I was, if I had not attained a significant level of "holiness," I would not see God.  Furthermore, even if I lived a righteous life (and really, who can do that?), if I had one bad thought or one unconfessed sin and the Rapture occurred, I would be left behind.  I remember riding on a city bus one morning and becoming quite anxious that maybe the Rapture had occurred and I had been left behind.  I anxiously scanned the faces of people in the bus and those we passed in cars and on street corners, looking for someone that I knew was a Christian.  I finally got off the bus, raced to a pay phone (remember those?) and called home.  I can still remember the palpable relief I felt when my mom answered the phone.

So God was not available for emotional connection--He was dangerous and I lived in fear of Him.  It is impossible to connect authentically and transparently with someone that we are afraid of.  It is just not possible.  So, while I have been "religious" all of my life--a regular church goer, a BA in Bible and a MA with some significant graduate classes in theology, etc., I have not felt a deep spiritual connection to God--I have felt that void and emptiness in my core.  And I know that I am not alone.  Indeed, this is the condition of all of humanity.  We are seeking to fill that God-sized hole with everything but connection with God because we have been taught that He is unapproachable.

www.comfortprints.com

For me, the path to connection with God has required letting go--letting go of teachings that make no sense in light of the Gospel message--that of a God who sacrificially gave of Himself in order to reconcile His creation to Himself.  The Gospel message is a message of unconditional and extravagant LOVE--not of retribution and punishment!  It has required reevaluating all that I was taught and studying the Bible with fresh new eyes.  It has involved reading works by authors who have dared to challenge the "status quo" of religious teachings--people such as Richard Rohr, Paula D'Arcy, Paul Young and Rob Bell, to name a few.  And it has involved rocking a sweet granddaughter, with such love in my heart that I felt I could not contain one more ounce.  If I, as a flawed human being am able to love someone as much as I love my sweet grace baby, how much more does PapaGod love me?

God is not unavailable for emotional connection.  Connection is what He is all about.  We have just been fed notions about him that did not originate with him.  And it is time to let them go and reach out for the God who is there and who is available--the God who is waiting with longing to connect with us.

Connection as the Remedy for Addiction

I ran across a fascinating article today proposing a new way to look at addiction.  Two basic theories on addiction causation have dominated research and legislation for a number of decades:  the view that addiction is a moral failure and the view that it derives from a biologic disease process (i.e. physical dependence on a substance).

The author of the article collected thousands of anecdotal stories from around the world as well as examined multiple research studies on the cause of addiction.  His conclusion is that addiction thrives when there is a lack of human connection.  "Human beings have a deep need to bond and form connections.  It's how we get our satisfaction.  If we can't connect with each other, we will connect with anything we can find--the whirr of a roulette wheel or the prick of a syringe."  (Hari)  The solution to addiction be it to a substance or to a behavior (i.e. sex addiction) is to teach the addict how to connect with others in a healthy fashion.  According to the author, "The opposite of addiction is not sobriety.  It is human connection." (Hari)

We are hardwired for connection with other humans and without it, would not survive infancy.  Dr. Brene Brown defines connection as "the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship." (Brown, Daring Greatly).  Dr Brown goes on to assert that "Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives." (ibid)  "We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong.  When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to.  We break.  We fall apart.  We numb.  We ache.  We hurt others.  We get sick." (Brown)

Having been in relationship with an individual addicted to child pornography, I can attest that he lived a very disconnected life.  He was not connected fully to anyone, least of all to himself. Though I longed to connect with him and tried in every manner possible, I was unable to connect because he was unavailable for connection.  His addiction was a symptom of a deeper sickness that he was plagued with in that he was "constantly directing [his] gaze towards the next shiny object [or titillating picture] [he] could buy, rather than the human beings all around [him]." (Hari)  It was devastating and sad to watch and the rejection I felt from his inability to connect with me continues to haunt me.

After re-entering the dating world, I am realizing that the impact of having lived with an emotionally disconnected individual is stunning.  It seems that I am prone to be attracted to men who have difficulty connecting on a deep emotional level.  I understand that there may be a gender variant here in that women may have a more natural ability to experience and process emotions especially as they relate to connection with another.  But if I am to avoid a relationship with an individual with the potential for addiction, I need to focus on men who are able or willing to learn how to really connect on a deep emotional level with me, with others, with themselves and with their God.

Emotional connection or intimacy does not happen magically--it takes hard work and a commitment to a mutual sharing of our innermost selves with another.  It involves developing a level of trust and communication that enables each partner to feel wholly accepted, respected and worthy--feeling that they are enough, just as they are.  "Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don't matter, and seeing the value of working on cultivating connection with family and close friends." (Brown, Daring Greatly)

Developing a deep emotional connection with another requires setting aside certainty and embracing vulnerability; it demands that we devote sufficient time spent with the other so that transparency and intimacy can grow; it requires daring to trust at deeper and deeper levels.  It is time consuming, frightening but so worth the effort.

My dearest friend has shared my life for almost three decades.  Approximately half of that time we have been separated geographically by this vast country.  Because we have committed to sharing our lives with each other and to daily contact, our connection grows stronger with each passing year.  My dear friend knows me better than any other and yet she loves me, accepts me and delights to talk to me.  This is emotional connection--it is life-giving and inspires deeper personal growth and transformation.  It is life as it was meant to be lived--shared deeply with another.  And that is a sure-fire remedy for the addiction crisis that confronts our country.

The Year of Healthy Connections

For the past three years, I have named the upcoming year--sometimes as a way to remind myself of important concepts and sometimes to establish a goal for the new year.  I began the practice in 2012 and named the year "Never Alone 2012" as a reminder that though my marriage was ending, I would never be alone because God was with me.  In 2013, after hearing God whisper, "Will you trust me to be your provider?" I named the year Provision and He did provide for me in ways that I could not begin to fathom at the beginning of the year.

In 2014, I chose three words as indicators of my goals for the year:  Transform, Delight and Prosper.  I certainly have met with surprising success (i.e. prosperity) professionally during the past twelve months and am learning to delight in the unique ways that my Creator formed me, which includes embracing my physical beauty (gasp, blush!).  The year has unfolded in many unexpected ways, however, and one of the biggest surprises was that transformation does not come without pain and discomfort.

In many ways, 2014 has rivaled 2012 in terms of personal pain and loss.  Indeed, the definition of transformation describes a "thorough or dramatic change, a metamorphosis, overhaul, remodel or reworking of the form, appearance or characteristic of a person or thing."  Relationships that I held dear have not survived my own personal transformation.  One of the notions that I am embracing is that transformation and growth will bring pushback from systems that thrive on homeostasis.  And this pushback can and often does result in broken connections.

So 2015 will be the "Year of Healthy Connections."  According to shame researcher Dr. Brene Brown, "Belonging (i.e. connection) is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.  Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it."  She goes on to emphasize that "true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance. (Brown, Daring Greatly).  So healthy connections begins with self-acceptance and eschewing approval-seeking behaviors.

Additionally, Dr. Brown writes that "Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don't matter and seeing the value of working on cultivating connection with family and close friends."  I would add that sometimes it is impossible to build healthy connections with our biological family so we work to create a family of choice as a substitute.

Healthy connections will require:

• Stepping out of my comfort zone and daring to trust and engage with others.
• Continuing to work on self-acceptance.
• Being aware of approval-seeking behavior (my default setting) and work to stop it.
• Maintaining good boundaires.
• Showing up and allowing my authentic self to be seen.

"Out with the old; in with the new" is a mantra often heard this time of year.  A new year offers a fresh start, not a "do-over" necessarily but a new opportunity to do things differently.  We replace the old calendar with a new one and we can aim to replace old, hurtful behaviors/relationships with new healthier ones.  In establishing healthier connections, it will be important to remember this final reminder from Dr. Brown:  "Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer." Amen!

Saying Goodbye Before Saying Hello

How long does it take after the loss of a romantic partner to move on?  What is the "respectful" and "normal" amount of time?  Is it possible to completely say goodbye?  And what does saying "goodbye" have to do with saying "hello?"

Relationship loss due to death was an involuntary loss (without the consent of both parties) while relationship loss due to divorce usually has been a voluntary loss, at least on the part of one party.  Regardless of how the loss occurred, saying goodbye means that you simultaneously let go and hold on to the memory of the lost partner.  It also involves:

• Acknowledging the finality of the loss.  This may be a bit more ambiguous with divorce because the possibility of reconciliation, as unrealistic as it may be, can still cloud one's ability to accept the finality of the loss.  With relationship loss due to death, most individuals are fully aware of the finality of the loss, though denial is still one of the stages of grief.
• Making peace with the way the relationship ended.  Those who lose a partner due to death as well as those who lose a partner through divorce may fall prey to the "what ifs" of relationship loss.  "What if I had taken him/her to the Mayo Clinic?"  or "What if we had tried a different marriage therapist?"   Saying goodbye means accepting that the relationship ended the way it did.
• Surrendering the dreams and aspirations the relationship provided.  Imagine your lost spouse encouraging you to "Wrap the memories of our life together around you--and begin a new life." Source
• Death and divorce destroys so much more than a marital unit--it robs us of the future that we anticipated and hoped for.  Saying goodbye means surrendering those dreams and aspirations and opening our hearts to the possibility that new dreams and aspirations are available to us.
• Changing your relationship with the lost person.  With the death of a partner, saying goodbye means that you now love her/him as a spirit--in order for a relationship to be current, both parties must be present.  With divorce, it may be a bit more challenging, especially if children are involved.  Saying goodbye after divorce means to close the door on hope that the relationship with the lost person can ever be anything other than what it is.
• Accepting that the quality of the relationship, whatever it was at the time of the loss, will never be improved upon or changed.  Whatever was unresolved will remain unresolved and it is important to make peace with that as a means of saying goodbye to the relationship.
• Be willing to move into the pain of the loss, to fully experience it.  This is incredibly important to the health of the new relationship.  Feeling pain is not a fun thing but failure to do so, covering it up with the intoxication of a new relationship will shortchange you, your prospective partner and whatever future you might hope for.

How long must one wait after fully saying goodbye before he/she can say hello to the possibility of a new romantic relationship?  That varies from individual to individual and from circumstance to circumstance.  Someone has said that you know you are ready to move on when your solitude turns to loneliness.  Initially, solitude may have felt like a familiar quilt, providing warmth, comfort and security from the chaos and confusion of the events precipitating the loss.  But when solitude turns into bone-crushing loneliness, you are ready to move into whatever new awaits you.

Saying hello to a new potential romantic partner involves:

• Acknowledging that the new person in your life could never replace the person you lost.  It means accepting that a new relationship involves a different relationship with a different person--different tastes, opinions, way of doing things, etc. than the one you lost.
• Not expecting the new relationship to heal the pain of the lost one.  Falling into "like" or into "love" is a wonderful, energizing experience that can temporarily numb the pain of the relationship loss.  However, no one person or relationship can fully heal a broken heart.  The heart has to heal itself; it may never be what it was prior to the loss but it can heal and accommodate new love.
• Being open to accepting this new person into your heart and making him/her the new center of your universe.  Expect that some may not agree with your decision to move on; that family and children may feel threatened, angry or critical of your decision.  The health of the new relationship demands that you defend and support the one you are with, especially in the face of rejection and criticism by family and friends.
• Understanding that guilt over dating is a natural response after a long-term relationship loss.  This is probably more profound in those who have lost a partner to death than to divorce.  The divorce process typically destroys whatever guilt might remain for the decision to move on.
• Resisting comparing the new person in your life to the one you lost; some comparison is inevitable but you are becoming involved with a completely different person.  But saying hello means that you refuse to allow the lost person to influence or impact your response to the new person, either positively or negatively.
• Daring to dream and live again.  Live until you die; love until you close your eyes for the final time.  Just because you lost one love doesn't mean you will lose another; just because one relationship ended does not mean you will never have another.  Life rarely offers a "do-over" but moving on after a relationship loss is one; it is an opportunity to bring all of the you as you currently exist into something new and fresh.

We were created for connection, for deep intimacy, companionship and for sharing our lives with another.  Death and divorce rob us of the opportunity for the type of connection we are hardwired for.  Moving on is an amazing opportunity but I am convinced we have to fully do the work of saying "Goodbye" before we can open our hearts to another and say "Hello."  How long does that take?  As long as it takes--two weeks, two years, or twenty.  As long as it takes for each individual.

Staying Safe in a Predatory World

The world has changed significantly and if we do not change how we approach life, we stand the risk of being perpetually victimized.  For most of us, this idea is difficult to comprehend or accept.  We continue to view people as safe, unless they prove otherwise, and expect that those we meet will operate by the same set of rules that we observe.  Sadly, this is not the case.

According to Dr. Anne Salter, each of us operates by a set of positive personal illusions.  These illusions include a common tendency to "soften the world, ignoring and minimizing its bad aspects and overgeneralizing its good ones." (Salter, p. 160).  Positive personal illusions are the truths we tell ourselves about others that provide us with a feeling of personal safety.  They include a naive acceptance of what individuals tell us as absolute truth.  Some of them might include:

• Bad things happen to people other than me--people of color, people who live on the wrong side of the track, people who like XYZ, people who are ABC, people who do MNO, etc.
• People are basically good and are trustworthy.
• I'm a good deception detector.
• What you see is what you get with almost everyone.

The tendency to live in a rose-colored world puts us at risk and most importantly puts at risk those we love the most, including our children.  How often have we heard about yet another person acquiring access to children in order to molest because the parents trusted the man with the clerical collar, the family-oriented neighbor or the energetic teacher, coach or family member?

Approximately 25 percent of the population are sociopaths, that is they do not have a conscience.  For those of us who do have a conscience, it is unfathomable that individuals could lie without batting an eye, use and abuse people, including children.  The inept ones are already incarcerated but that doesn't mean that we are safer.  The really competent sociopaths are still walking among us and we have to become more aware and practice defensive living.  Part of our defensive living strategy should include:

• Suspect flattery: "Compliments are lovely, especially when they are sincere.  In contrast, flattery is extreme and appeals to our egos in unrealistic ways."  Predators will use flattery to lower your defenses and gain an entrance in order to exploit.  "Peek over your massaged ego and remember to suspect flattery." (Stout,  p. 158)
• Avoid conscienceless people (i.e. sociopaths):  Avoid him, refuse contact and above all, don't worry about hurting his feelings.  "Strange as it seems, and though they may try to pretend otherwise, sociopaths do not have any such feelings to hurt." (Stout, p. 160)
• Don't pity too easily:  pity should be reserved for "innocent people who are in genuine pain or who have fallen on misfortune."  The predator will "campaign for your sympathy" but is engaged in a pattern of hurting people. (Stout, pg. 160)
• Do not be afraid to be unkind or even unfriendly:  predators often are void of conscience and are incredibly dangerous.  They do not respect boundaries and they do not take "no" easily.  Be kind and friendly to people who deserve that treatment.
• Do not try to redeem the unredeemable:  conscienceless individuals are unredeemable!  If you are dealing with a predator, cut your losses and walk away.
• Do not fall prey to the "you owe me" guilt-inducing tactic to ensure your silence:  Predators will do their best to silence you; to guilt you into letting them off the hook.  "'You owe me' has been the standard line of sociopaths for thousands of years, quite literally, and is still so." Another perfect line they commonly use is "You are just like me."  You are not--don't forget it! (Stout, pg. 162)

On the bright side, positive personal optimism offers a sense of personal control and confidence.  It is not a denial that bad things might happen but rather a belief in one's ability to make meaning of whatever life experiences we are confronted with.  While positive personal illusions put us at a greater risk of exploitation, manipulation and deception, positive personal optimism engenders a sense of personal resiliency and strength.  Personal illusions create a rose-colored view of the world; personal optimism removes the rose-colored glasses and while the new view may be frightening, chooses to move ahead with faith, determination and purpose.  And maybe that is the best offense against the bully, perpetrator or the sociopath--a sense of empowered living rooted in a realistic view of the world around us, including the people we meet.  Maybe this makes us less of a target.

Two excellent resources quoted above:

1. The Sociopath Next Door, Martha Stout, Ph.D.
2. Predators Pedophiles, Rapists & other Sex Offenders, Anna C. Salter, Ph.D.