Court Transcripts & Letters from Prison

I have not said much lately about my "qualifier" (a kinder word for the perpetrator I was married to).  Earlier this year, he violated the conditions of his probation and now sits in prison.  As a former volunteer behind bars, I had inside information on the kind of treatment child offenders receive when incarcerated.  After I learned of his foray into the dark world of child pornography, we had many "discussions" where I painted the consequence of his continued pursuit in vivid language.   He called me "paranoid" then but is now living in some pretty horrendous conditions, as I predicted.

Anyone who has been in a relationship with an addict has experienced the blame, projection, minimization, exaggeration and denial that is common to addiction, and particularly so when dealing with a narcissist.  (One therapist that I worked with asserts that she has yet to meet an addict who is not also a narcissist).  You would think that when you are caught with your hand in the proverbial cookie jar, there would be little recourse except to acknowledge your guilt and accept your punishment.  That is not what I am experiencing and after speaking with many women who have had the same misfortune of marrying a pedophile, I find that my experience is not unique.

As I did after my ex's first trial, I purchased the court transcripts from his most recent trial and received them a few months ago.  It has been enlightening and sobering to read once again the case against him, particularly the ways he "storied" his probation violation.  One paragraph in the transcript stood out to me and the words continue to reverberate in my head and are validated by past and current experiences with my qualifier.  Quoting  a clinical psychologist who treated my ex for nearly four years, the prosecutor said, "This defendant has an inordinately difficult time accepting responsibility for his behavior.  He constantly blames his [ex]wife for his offense . . . feeling that if she had been more supportive of him, he wouldn't have had to look at child pornography."  His probation officer testified about his violation in great detail (no children were directly harmed, thank God) and the prosecutor illustrated how the defendant's story about the violation changed, depending on who he was talking to.  Court transcripts are incredibly valuable, particularly when dealing with an addict/narcissist who uses a lot of gaslighting.  They are the stake in the ground that becomes unmovable and grounding when communication becomes murky and confusing.

Letters from prison have been arriving--letters that are deeply disturbing and hurtful, far more desperate than previous ones.  The latest, addressed to one of my children, includes 20 pages of hate and blame towards me.  The specifics do not merit inclusion here but once again, those court transcripts are the anchor in the swirl of blame-shifting, denial and deception.  As my friend, "Eve" discovered, the man I thought I married does not exist and never did.  He was an illusion and I was simply a prop in his elaborate scheme to hide his secret nature.  Eve and I had a conversation recently about the difficulty in removing those rose-colored glasses and accepting the truth about our former partners, a conversation I vividly remembered when reading those letters!

My ex made it clear in his letters that he does not like the fact that this blog exists and consequently I have questioned my motives in continuing to write about my experience.  While he thinks that my writing is all about him, it is really about my recovery from betrayal and trauma; he is central to my wounding but irrelevant to my recovery.  I regularly hear from women just like me who somehow discover this space on the internet and find hope in the knowledge that they are not alone.  There is risk and vulnerability in writing of such personal experiences but there is also freedom in speaking the truth rather than continuing to hide.

So the lessons I have learned from reading and re-reading court transcripts and letters from prison can be summarized by the following:

• Denial, minimization, blame-shifting, projecting and deception are common among addicts and until they are abandoned, recovery becomes virtually impossible;
• Gaslighting (using tactics to try to change an individual's perception of reality) is very confusing; those who experience it need frequent reality checks with trusted individuals or court transcripts;
• Manipulation, exaggeration and distortion of facts can be very convincing and require vigilance in holding to what we know to be objective truth;
• Perpetrators are incredibly skilled at creating and maintaining a near-perfect illusionary life, gathering props (i.e. spouse, children, academic credentials, etc.) to support the facade that hides their true nature and behavior;
• When a narcissist is through with you, either by your choice or his, what seemed like love becomes rabid hatred.  We can't be surprised by this.

How about you?  Has your experience been similar or different to what I have described?   As always, I would love to hear from you. 

Predators and Online Dating

I recently decided to dip my big toe into the frightening world of online dating and chose a site that I thought would be safer than most.  But predators do not respect the sanctity or security of others so no site is really all that safe.  It kind of reminds me of trying to swim in shark-infested waters with the hope of finding a goldfish.  I'm sure there are great individuals on each of the sites but there are predators as well.  Let me tell you about my experience with one such individual.

The site I subscribed to has a strict moderation policy, that is, they carefully screen all essays, written introductions as well as photos before allowing the material to go live.  So "Barry, aka nicemaninin46360" contacted me prior to really knowing who I was or what I looked like.  He was quite the charmer, I have to give him that, but he is a predator pure and simple.

So let's explore what we know about predators and I'll provide the comic relief by telling you about Barry (I feel no qualms about using his "name" because it isn't really his name).

They will tell you what they perceive you want to hear.
"I love your smile."  You are just the woman I have been looking for."  Note this was before he had seen my smile or any of my profile information other than the very basics.

They appeal to your kindness, charity, human decency and trust.
"Why would you ask me if the pictures I want to send you are obscene?  Don't you know that I would never do that?"  But then the pictures he sent me were not of him.  I wonder what Neil and Tom would think if they knew he was using their legitimate pictures to lure someone into his net?  Thank God for Google Image Search and for a friend who told me about it.

They will warn you about who they are or what they intend to do but you have to learn to read the subtitles of their script.
"In this digital age, you need to know that I am a real person."  While reassuring me that he was real and not representing himself as something he wasn't, he was fraudulently representing himself.  He warned me of who he was right from the start; I just needed to pay attention to his subtitles.   

They will push your boundaries.
"I know you don't want to share your phone number or email address with me this soon in the process but my computer is acting up.  I want to get to know you, I really do.  Can't we talk on the phone?"  And to reinforce these statements, he had to reboot his computer repeatedly--at least that is what he said.

They will manipulate the reality of your interaction with them.
"But I am trustworthy and God-fearing.  You should trust me, you need to trust me."  They will attempt to sound like a person of faith and integrity but in actuality they are a wolf in a poorly designed sheep costume.

They will slowly but surely groom you to accept more and more unacceptable behavior.
"I'll be glad to tell you all that you need to know about me," except for who I really am and what I'm really trying to get out of you.  They will attempt to ingratiate themselves to you very early in the game, calling you endearing names far too early in the relationship.

They will lie.
Have you heard of the Rule of Threes?  "When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has.  Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy.  One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead.  Two may involve a serious mistake.  But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior."  (The Sociopath Next Door, Martha Stout, p. 157)

If you stay in relationship with them long enough, they will exploit the relationship, steal your trust (and maybe your money) and abandon you when they have accomplished their purpose.

So after an online chat, several email exchanges, text messages and one voicemail, how do I know without a doubt that "Barry" is a predator?

• His story lacks consistency and believability.  He indicated that he earned a MA degree from a University in England and in another place indicates that he has an Associate's degree.
• He is unable to write grammatically correct sentences or express himself as one would expect from someone in the profession and with the education he claims to have.
• He has lied to me in that he sent me pictures of Neil and Tom and indicated they were images of him.
• His accent and word choices reveal that English is not his native tongue.
• His first email went into my spam folder, along with all of the other nefarious "solicitations."  It appear that Gmail was quicker than I was in detecting the scam!

Fortunately, I'm familiar with the tactics of predators so poor Barry is history.  He was a great teacher for me, however.  He reminded me once again that predators are always looking for their next target, that I should trust my gut always.  And contrary to how most of us in "civilized society" think, I need to suspend judgment--either good or bad--on individuals I meet in person or online until they give me evidence one way or another.  Goodbye Barry!  I'm onto you.    

For online dating safety tips, click here

Are Victims Inherently Narcissistic?

The question this posts asks leaves me a bit queasy.  Is it possible that victimhood and narcissism are related?  The victim advocate in me riles at the suggestion and yet the victim in me sees it as a distinct possibility, particularly if one becomes stuck in victimhood.  The perspective of a victim is necessarily self-centered, and there is absolutely no shame or judgment that is appropriate for that self-centeredness.  An individual who has suffered relational trauma through betrayal, abandonment or rejection is certainly and rightfully a victim.  And as a victim, she deserves the time and space to process what happened to her.  Indeed most individuals who have experienced relational trauma probably have a long history of not being self-centered enough.

But I'm wondering if it is possible for legitimate victimhood to become chronic and to move the impacted individual into more of a narcissistic state?  When I first began attending S-Anon, a 12-step program for friends and family members of a sexually addicted individual, I was initially repulsed by the idea that I could bear any responsibility in the relational trauma I had just experienced.  And I still believe that the language in some of the conference-approved literature needs to be updated to reflect the partner's experience through a trauma lens rather than that of co-addiction.  But as I am processing through the steps, I am beginning to believe that the hinge that can swing an individual from that of "narcissistic" victimhood to a fully functioning, healthy adult is step four.  Steps one through three facilitate an understanding of our own powerlessness and inability to manage our lives.  But by requiring a heroic and daring moral inventory, step four offers us a way out of that helplessness and powerlessness.  It is the key to moving from being a helpless victim to empowering ourselves for change.

Most people approach step four with reluctance and with fear.  This is particularly true for individuals who come from very legalistic religious backgrounds.  We have spent so much time thinking of ourselves as worms because of poor theology that we are frankly tired of that perspective.  And the traumatic relationships we have experienced have been rife with projected blame and carried shame.  We're tired of being the "responsible" one.  We become paralyzed by the idea that we must now analyze our own part of the equation.

Let me just pause and state for the record, that I do not believe the partner bears any responsibility in the addiction of her spouse--she didn't cause it, she certainly cannot control it or cure it  But she has vulnerabilities from wounds received in her home of origin, culturally or from other victimizing relationships.  These vulnerabilities were exploited, either knowingly or unknowingly by her addict.  This is the core issue that step four addresses--identifying and understanding those vulnerabilities.

Step four is intended to be a compassionate and empathic look at self--at strengths as well as character defects.  It is not an either/or evaluation but a both/and look at ourselves.  Character traits that are now "defects" began as a means of protection or as the Big Book calls them, "Assets gone astray."  As children, we adopted learned behaviors as a defense against a hostile and toxic environment.  Maybe we became a caretaker as a means of obtaining needed affirmation or attention from our parents  For a while, the role of caretaker worked--it provided us with significance.  But as an adult, caretaking becomes more of a liability than an asset because it makes us more prone to becoming involved with an addict.  We tend to view defense mechanisms in a negative light, however, they once were protective actions essential for our emotional survival.  We have just outgrown our need for them so step four invites us to discard those "defects/traits" that are no longer useful.

You cannot heal what you do not acknowledge and understand.  I have found that identifying character traits that have become problematic for me as an adult and seeking to understand why I needed them as a child makes it far easier to lay them down.  The "inventory" is not so much a listing of the "whats" as it is answering the "whys."  Another list of faults or defects is not that helpful, particularly for a survivor of a relational trauma.  But understanding why I have behaved in the way that I have and why these "defects" developed is far more enlightening and leads to a deeper healing.

Step four asks us to stop denying our pain and to cease from blaming and accusing others for it.  Note, that it does not absolve others but simply changes the focus from their bad behavior to our coping behavior.  Step four requires that we become willing to face our true self and to put aside the false self that has protected and defended us.  Step four demands that we become willing to make amends to others we have hurt, including ourselves.

The hallmark of a narcissistic individual is is the inability to feel empathy for another.  Step four encourages us to move into an empathic response towards our own wounded and broken self and to others we have wounded in our pain.  Step four offers the wounded victim a gentle way out of victimhood into healing and wholeness.  Hurt people hurt people so the choice we have after victimization is to allow the pain to transform us or we will inevitably transmit it to others, including ourselves.

A victim is powerless over the events that created her victimhood.  She feels vulnerable, needy, frightened and
very much alone.  Relational trauma rends the very fabric of her soul.  By gently and courageously working step four, the pain of trauma and victimhood can be transformed.  Where there was powerlessness over circumstances and even over self, a new independence of spirit that is empowered for change emerges.  Where there was low self-esteem and the incredible weight of shame, a healthy evaluation of strengths vulnerabilities is born.  And what once felt like an impossible task--making amends and moving forward from victimhood becomes an exciting and rewarding possibility.

I'm not ready to call those stuck in victimhood narcissistic because that would be adding more pain to incredibly wounded individuals.  But I am willing to admit that the pain of my victimhood generated what has become an unhealthy narcissistic bent in me.  So I'm pushing forward ever more eagerly with step four.

Predators in our Midst

Christianity Today, a leading evangelical magazine, recently published an article titled "My Easy Trip from Youth Minister to Felon."  The article also appeared in their companion publication for those in professional ministry, Leadership Journal.  A former youth pastor who molested one of the children in his youth group wrote it anonymously.  After an avalanche of criticism from the blogosphere, both magazines removed the article and issued apologies.

Yesterday, the media in a major metropolitan city were breathlessly reporting the arrest of a prominent former pastor for child sexual abuse.  The actual location and details of the story, while incredibly important to the victim, his family and the family of the perpetrator, are not really germane to this article.  Pick any city and virtually any news media outlet and you will find scores of reports of a similar situation.  We are now experiencing an epidemic of predators in our midst.  I believe that Protestant churches are now experiencing what the Catholic Church has struggled with for a very long time. And it is failing dismally in its response, just as the Catholic Church did.

It took some work, but I found the article that Christianity Today retracted and feel that it is important to point out some glaring concerns I see, particularly as they demonstrate the dangerous mindset of pedophiles.** As the former spouse of a now-convicted sex offender, I have experienced all of these denials, minimizations and rationalizations; indeed they re quite common among individuals struggling with a sex addiction and/or pedophilia:

• A grandiose sense of his own importance, i.e. "The youth group grew and I was viewed as an expert in youth group ministry."  my paraphrase
• Blaming others for his criminal behavior, i.e. "My wife didn't appreciate me at home so I had to look elsewhere."
• Rationalization:  "This was a consensual relationship between two individuals."
• Minimization:  i.e. comparing his criminal behavior to King David's adultery with Bathsheba.  Prison sentences are not typically handed down for adultery in this country.
• Entitlement: i.e. "I deserved more than I was receiving."
• Playing the victim:  "I've lost my job, haven't seen my kids or wife."  He says nothing about the impact on his victims, including his own children and spouse.

Box Tchividjian published a blog this week titled "4 Lessons We Can Learn From a Church that Hired a Sex Offender."  The church he describes in the article serves as a perfect illustration of why sex offenders seek out positions of authority and influence in churches.  We are far too naive and trusting.  Until we get our heads out of the sand and acknowledge that predators are in our midst and that they do not look like our preconceived notions, church will continue to be a very dangerous place for our children.  We have to get educated and quick because this is an epidemic and we must protect our children.

**I am unable to attach the PDF of the article to this post.  Please email me at the address listed in the sidebar if you would like a copy.

A Sentence

Two years ago today the front door of the home I shared with my husband of 32 years, and our young adult daughter, was broken down by the police executing a search warrant.  The day after the raid, the police returned and arrested my husband.  He spent 34 days in jail and bonded out with the aid of his sister, much to our surprise.

For two years he has wrangled with the criminal justice system.  For two years he has evaded, blamed, denied, minimized, rationalized, deceived and manipulated.  He has sought pity, pseudo-forgiveness, and has acted as the victim in this horrible situation that he brought on himself, his family, his friends and his employer.  For two years--two very long years.  But this week, time ran out on his delaying strategies.  This week, he stood before the judge and was sentenced to prison.

In English Grammar, I learned that a correctly constructed sentence must have a noun, a verb, maybe some adverbs and adjectives with some prepositions and conjunctions thrown in just to make things interesting.  Every sentence must end with appropriate punctuation.  I know what type of punctuation belongs at the end of this sentence, but what goes at the end of the sentence handed down in the courtroom this week?

A period indicates the end of a statement; an exclamation point adds an umph for emphasis and a question mark lets the reader know that the writer is asking a question.  I guess all three forms of punctuation belong at the end of the judge's sentence.

Certainly his sentence ends the statement of my ex's guilt.  He admitted guilt in a sweet plea deal; in exchange, the Prosecutor dropped six other charges.  So the statement of his guilt has been concluded.  And he was sentenced!  He did not get a slap on the wrist, as he expected.  He is facing a very difficult time in a maximum security prison.  He was facing 49 years had he been convicted on all 7 charges and he would have been required to serve the sentences consecutively rather than concurrently.  42 months is nothing compared to 49 years, but it is a sentence and is deserving of an exclamation point!

But the judge's sentence also begs a question mark as the appropriate punctuation.  A sentence?  Really??  How can 42 months possibly be enough time for the depth of degradation he had reached?  And now that he is imprisoned, what next?  This sentence does not mean that our family tragedy has ended; it has simply begun a new phase.  And we do not know how this phase will end either.  Lots of questions with no firm answers, and questions demand a question mark, right?

"When you look at the defendant, you would be completely justified in asking how someone like him ended up here," the Prosecutor said.  "Apparently, very few people knew the real Joe Smith."  As his wife, I spent 406 months married to Joe Smith and most of that time, I knew nothing about his secret.  So I would argue that no one knew the real Mr. Smith, absolutely no one.  406 vs. 42--not a real fair arrangement, is it?  Another question.

And what about the children he sexually offended, both actively through molestation and passively by using pictures of the worst day of their life for his own sexual gratification?  How much time is sufficient to wipe away the lifetime of pain to which his actions sentenced them?  Does enough time even exist to accomplish this?

So, we have ended the Sentence with a period, an exclamation point and questions marks.  If it sounds confusing, welcome to our world.  Somehow we will go on.  Somehow we will continue rebuilding, healing and growing.  Because his Sentence is not ours; the end of his criminal case is not the end of my story or that of my sweet little family.  His Sentence belongs to him and he alone will serve it.

Three Words for 2014

Shortly after receiving the worst but best gift  when my former husband asked for a divorce on Christmas Day, I decided to do something uncharacteristic for me:  I gave the upcoming New Year a name.  "Never Alone 2012," was the moniker I chose, never imagining how meaningful it would become to me in the days ahead.  Through months of grieving alone in an apartment far removed from the home we had shared, these words provided comfort and a powerful reminder that though I was very much alone, I have never been and was not then, alone.  In my internal world, I am not alone because my Higher Power is ever present and my external world is filled with family and friends who have been anchors for me in the storms of the past months.

In December of 2012, I gave a name to 2013 in response to hearing God whisper, "Will you trust me to be your provider?" in church one Sunday morning.  The name I chose was "Provision 2013."  And God did provide over and above what I needed in every area of my life.  By the end of the year I was employed, had full health benefits and had moved into my own little piece of real estate.  I am beginning to climb out of the financial devastation my ex-husband's arrest and subsequent termination from employment created.  And I am learning that provision for my needs does not rest solely on my shoulders--I have someone greater than myself who continues to prove Himself completely capable of providing for me.

Now that 2014 has arrived, I've been thinking of what I want for this new year and three words keep rattling around in my brain.  The first word is "Prosper," which is usually thought of in terms of succeeding materially.  And certainly, I desire to prosper financially.  But more than financial prosperity, I long for emotional, physical and spiritual prosperity.  I want to flourish, thrive and do well in every area of my life.  I am beginning to reap the rewards of working on my internal world and I anticipate further growth and progress.  But beyond mere survival or barely scraping by, I want to prosper.  So I recall what the prophet Jeremiah  wrote so many centuries ago--my Higher Power's plans for my life include prosperity.  I want to see that applied to my internal and external worlds in the next 12 months.


The second and third words are keys, I believe, to truly experiencing fullness and blooming in life. "Transform"refers to a thorough or dramatic change, a metamorphosis, overhaul, remodel or reworking of the form, appearance or characteristic of a person or thing.  If I am to prosper, then my thinking needs to be transformed, according to Paul and "The Big Book" (Alcoholic's Anonymous).  One area that is in dire need of thought transformation is in my view of self.  One of the consequences I am discovering of my long-term involvement with a narcissist, is in the very negative way that I view myself.  Before we became engaged, my ex-husband expressed concern that my physical appearance would hold him back in his chosen profession.  I was too young, naive, and broken to see this as a narcissistic ploy but instead internalized his criticism and vowed to make myself indispensable to him to compensate for my physical deficiencies.  I see now how I set myself up for many years of pain and if I am to prosper, then this thinking pattern has to change.

My self loathing needs to change to delight.  To "delight" in something means that we take great pleasure in it or that it is a cause or source of great joy.  Contrary to what many of us have been taught, loving self is key to loving others.  A healthy self-love or delight is a preventative measure--it will keep me from being seduced by yet another narcissist and will inoculate me against the daily onslaught of media messages that equate my physical appearance with my worth or value.  My body does not meet that standard of perfection and never will.  But it is good enough--it is healthy and has served me well.  It has carried and nourished three perfectly wonderful human beings.  It is worthy of delight just as it is.  If I am to prosper or blossom then I need to delight in the blooming, beautiful person that I already am.

So my three words for 2014 are Prosper, Transform and Delight.  They do not rhyme and are not set to a catchy jingle. But they form the backbone of my desire for 2014:  that I prosper in every area of my life; that my stinking thinking be transformed and that I learn to delight in the woman that I have become. 

The Hollow Man or A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

When you hear the term "narcissist," what or who comes to mind?  Chances are that the person you immediately identify in your mind's eye is loud, boisterous and boastful--a true "Donald Trump" kind of individual who monopolizes the conversation and consumes all of the oxygen in whatever room he happens to be in.  And you would be right, for the most part.  However, there is a form of narcissism that looks nothing like the picture you imagined and therein lies the danger.  Many of us who have been in exploitative or abusive relationships have been impacted by this insidious form of narcissism.  By the time we realize something is off in the relationship, we are completely entangled in a web of deceit, manipulation and confusion.

Narcissism is defined as a "Pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition." Source  A narcissist desperately seeks admiration and affirmation and is interpersonally exploitive, manipulative and deceptive.  He lacks the capacity for true empathy for others, though he may have learned how to persuasively pretend to be empathic.  And he sees others as mere extensions of himself; he simply cannot imagine life outside of how he perceives it.  The whole world exists for him.

Narcissists are "highly reactive to criticism" and "can be inordinately self-righteous and defensive."  They "project onto others qualities, traits, and behaviors they can't or won't accept in themselves" and they have very "poor interpersonal boundaries" Source.  Narcissists are like the bunny we received as kids at Easter.  On the outside they look substantial and solid but on the inside they are hollow; their shell is their substance.

While all of us have some narcissistic traits, in order to be diagnosed as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder

(NPD), an individual must meet five or more of the criteria listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM IV).  However, what is not clear from the DSM criteria is the fact that narcissism may present in either an overt or covert manner.  We are all pretty familiar with the overt narcissist.  He "Gains narcissistic supplies through charm and a public persona that allows for the grandiose displays of high status, money, and power" (Payson, p. 32).  The overt narcissist is that consummate powerbroker, politician or diva.

The covert narcissist is a true "wolf in sheep's clothing."  He "Gains narcissistic supplies of admiration, status, and control through his or her role connected to a larger than life cause" (Payson, p. 32).  The covert narcissist is often seen as a humanitarian, "righteous idealogue," and expert professional, according to Eleanor Payson (p. 33).  Additionally, the covert narcissist:

• Gains admiration, status, and control through more subtle and indirect means;
• Demeanor is typically more reserved and self-contained, at times aloof;
• Displays a persona that allows him to cover and disguise his grandiose needs;
• Assumed persona allows him to gain attention, status and power through what he is doing and what he is connected to, rather than attempt to command a truly solo role in the spotlight.
• Sees himself as one of the "chosen" people, doing good work for the betterment of humanity.
• May not possess a strong personality but will exude the illusion of selflessness.
• It is normally only in personal relationships that the narcissist's lack of empathy and support give evidence to his limitations and impaired functioning.
• Anger is generally expressed in a passive aggressive manner.

Narcissists are attracted to professions that will give them the narcissistic gains that they must have in order to survive (admiration, affirmation, control, power, recognition--worship).  Many pastors and homeschool/ministry leaders meet the diagnostic criteria for NPD.  Covert narcissists are almost impossible to identify prior to getting involved with them--they are such masters of disguise and pretense.  And all the while they are using and abusing you, they are quite skillfully convincing you that the discomfort you are feeling is your own fault--it is due to some failure or character defect that is in you.  Or worse, it is due to a lack of faith, sin or a spiritual problem.  After all, God is the Ultimate Big Stick and abusers are not hesitant to use Him if it helps them gain power over those within their congregations, homes or families.

I was married for over three decades to a man who was highly esteemed in his professional arena.  He destroyed his career and our family when he was arrested for possession of child pornography.  His subsequent diagnosis as a pedophile was shocking, but I must admit not nearly as difficult as learning that he meets all of the diagnostic criteria for NPD.  Pedophilia stole the future and financial security that I expected to have but narcissism  has stolen my past--the life and marriage I thought I had.  Every memory, both good and bad must now be reframed through the lens of narcissism.  Even with an advanced degree in a helping profession, I could not see his narcissism--that is how confusing and crazy-making covert narcissism is.  Those who know him would probably describe him as a quiet, sensitive man with a quirky sense of humor.  That is how I described him for years.  But, he is a narcissist, pure and simple.

Recovery from involvement with a narcissist takes time, as I am discovering.  It involves letting go of many distortions of truth and blame that were given over the years--a "learning and unlearning," as Jim Cole writes.  Unlearning those truths I believed about myself because the man I loved told me they were true--and learning who I really am--my strengths, weaknesses and true value.  My greatest fear is that I will fail to learn these lessons and find myself involved with another narcissist at some point in the future.  I know how easy it is to fall prey to their skillful manipulation.  The goal is to recognize the narcissism earlier than I have in the past and to get myself to a safe place more quickly than I did in my marriage.  Regardless of whether the narcissist in our life is an overt or covert one, the outcome is always the same--the relationship becomes incredibly painful, one-sided and exploitative.  The choice, though agonizing, is quite simple--we must leave, separate, get away from the exploitative narcissistic person.  They will not change because from their perspective, the whole world may be wrong but they are absolutely right.

**Excellent resource:  The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, Eleanor Payson, MSW, Julian Day Publications, 2002.