I am a Fighter!

I was married to a pedophile and did not know it until the diagnosis was made after his arrest for possession of child pornography.  But early in our marriage, the clues were there; I just didn't know enough about pedophilia to see it and he was so very good at providing explanations for his behavior that made sense.  The old adage "hindsight is 20/20" is so true.

Some people assume that wives of pedophiles always know and that we are somehow complicit in our spouse's criminal behavior.  Some even go so far as to insist that we should be prosecuted for our spouses' crimes.  We are seen as weak women who are co-dependent on our perpetrator spouses and it is assumed that we look the other way while a child's innocence is robbed and their lives forever altered.

Very shortly after our honeymoon, my husband introduced me to a child who lived with her mother in the island
community we had moved to just after our wedding.  She was 8 and he wanted her to spend time with us--lots of time.  It was confusing to me and I didn't understand why this was so important to him.  We were newlyweds and I wanted to spend time alone with him, so I objected.

Three years later we were living in a rural area of the United States when I walked into a room where he and a friend's child were.  Immediately, I knew something was wrong--very, very wrong.  Nothing looked out of the ordinary, but everything inside of me screamed DANGER!  I invited the child to join me in my dinner preparations and waited until we were alone to confront my husband

Nothing, absolutely nothing I had ever experienced in my life, believed or knew about the man I was married to, or expected to hear could have prepared me for the words that I heard him say.  He admitted to molesting both the friend's child as well as the island child.  Like his child victims, my world tilted and spun and was never the same.

For a very long time, I have been so afraid to share my entire story because I feared the judgment sure to come.  After my husband's confession, I chose to stay in my marriage for several reasons:  his explanations made so much sense, his remorse seemed genuine and I was pregnant with our first child.  But I made a solemn vow to myself--that I would stand watch and do everything that I could to make sure that no other child was harmed in any way by the man I was married to.

The shame that has silenced me for many decades is that I didn't call law enforcement and report the abuse and in that way, I didn't stand up for the victims.  I understand why I didn't--I was afraid, shocked and he seemed genuinely repentant.  Plus, I had another child to be concerned about--my own.  And realistically, there is no guarantee the police would have been able to do anything about the crimes.  One occurred in another country and I had no proof that either crime actually occurred.  This was over three decades ago and police departments were not prepared to deal with victims as they now are; there wasn't the public awareness on child sexual abuse that we now have.

But the reality is that I did stand up for the victims.  To say that I "objected" to his "friendship" with the island child is a huge understatement.  It was the issue we fought about the most during those early months of our marriage.  I did not gently acquiesce to his insistence on spending time with her--I fought it vigorously.  And I continued to fight when he shamed and blamed me and tried to coerce me into silence.  I did not give up; I did not stop.

And three years later when I walked into that room where he was with a friend's child, how did I know something was off?  Why did I confront him?  Why did I get the child away from him?  Because in my gut, I knew but didn't know what it was that I knew.  I knew and I didn't turn or walk away.  I stayed in that arena and fought like a lion, like a mama bear.  I was tenacious and didn't give up.  I did fight for his victims and I fought valiantly and for a very long time.

So it is time to reframe my story--to lay down shame and see the reality of what happened.  It is time I tell myself the truth about what I did rather than cower in fear and shame over what I did not do.  I did not bury my head in the sand of his lies and deceit.  I was not complicit in anyway but instead I fought hard to protect his victims.  I fought with everything I had and then some.  I am a formidable fighter and he quickly learned that.

Every time we had a conflict during our marriage, he berated me or blamed me because he said he was afraid of how I fought.  For damn sure!  He had reason to be afraid and it's good that he never forgot it.  Because I am a fighter and a victim's rights advocate--I truly am and always have been.

So the next time you are tempted to judge a woman married to a pedophile, remember that you do not know what goes on behind closed doors.  Remember that if she knows what he is doing, and that is a huge "if" because pedophiles are such good manipulators and deceivers, she may be fighting, just not in the way you want her to.  And she may be doing all that is within her power to protect children while she works to get herself free.

Remorse, Repentance and Recovery

Three videos and a blog have been meaningful to me this week and have provoked some thought on what it means to be in recovery from a sexual compulsion or addiction.  As the former spouse of a pedophile who, for all intents and purposes is not in recovery, this is an issue close to my heart.  Unlike substance abuse and addiction, a sexual compulsion or addiction is easy to hide and pedophiles as well as other addicts become quite skilled at hiding their disease.  The risk to innocent children is too great if we are wrong when we determine that an individual has fully repented or been "rehabilitated."

The first video is a movie on recovery for sex addicts, particularly from a 12-Step perspective.  Thanks for Sharing depicts the lives of three men and their significant others as they struggle to remain "sober" and to fully recover from the damaging effects of an out-of-control sexuality.  Pedophilia is not depicted in this film, but rather addiction to adult pornography, excessive masturbation and of course sexual acting out.  The 12-Step fellowship provides a more functional "family" for the addict as well as support, accountability and tools to use in combating the addiction.  Additionally, participants are encouraged to own and feel their emotions rather than numbing them by their "drug" of choice.

I have personally participated in a 12-Step "Anon" group for family members of sex addicts.  The fellowship and camaraderie of my group has been an anchor for me during the storms of the past months of recovery.  So, I resonated deeply with the depiction of love and support among the group members who learn to share their struggles and victories honestly and receive compassion, acceptance and encouragement as a result.

The second video that has stoked a fire in my core is a short film a church in Alabama created to feature the "apology" and "repentance" of a church member convicted of sexually abusing a child.  The video features a pretty, blond-haired young woman sitting on a park bench, smiling broadly as she repeats the apology that she had just presented to the judge in her criminal case moments before.  She uses all the right words, however, her affect seems to betray her--she seems way too happy for an individual who has just been sentenced for child sexual abuse crimes.  And she glosses over the more painful parts of the story.  For an excellent analysis of her "show" from a former prosecutor of child sex abuse crimes, see Boz's Rhymes with Religion blog.

Alicia Gray's "Apology" Link

The third video is one that has gone viral.  It features a young woman confronting her former teacher about her sexual abuse.  I have listened to the conversation several times and I am impressed that the former teacher is quiet, somber, and readily admits that she committed a criminal act.  She does not try to whitewash her actions or hide behind carefully crafted words or phrases intended to minimize the horror of her actions and their impact on the victim.  She appears to be horrified at what she did to her victim and at a loss for why she acted the way she did.

Student Confronts Teacher Link 

Remorse is easy to fabricate and addicts are quite adept at appearing "repentant" when they need to.  But true recovery is harder to identify.  All we can go on is their behavior over time so we need to allow the recovering addict a lot of time to demonstrate consistency and steadfastness in their recovery before we highlight them from our pulpit or from a video screen. Individuals who are really recovering will demonstrate these characteristics:

• Their words and behavior will match at all times.
• They will readily enter into full accountability with at least one other individual, preferably with a group of individuals and a therapist.
• They will understand and accept that others will need to verify their recovery from time to time, which may include a polygraph exam and/or full disclosure of all compulsive behavior.
• They will be completely committed to their recovery program for life.
• They will strive to avoid deception in every relationship and situation, revealing a commitment to truth-telling, even when it brings negative consequences.
• They will work at understanding the devastation their actions have created for others.
• They will accept full responsibility for their actions, not minimizing, denying the other's reality, gaslighting, or blaming another for their behavior.
• They accept the reality that they will always be an addict; their choice is whether they will be a recovering addict or an acting-out, offending addict.
• They will work hard to humbly  make amends to all they have offended or hurt.
• They will acknowledge that they cannot control their disease without the help of their Higher Power.
• Their lives will be marked by humility, serenity and emotional growth.
• Their lives will consistently reveal a deep commitment to no more compulsive behavior and no more secrets.

For you see, recovery is far more than words of remorse or pseudo-repentance.  It is a life-long commitment to personal sobriety and transformation.

An Arrest is an Act of Violence

An arrest is a violent thing--by virtue of the power that we the people invest in the government, agents of the law are permitted to forcefully detain an individual, to restrain or restrict their freedom--it is an allowable violence.  The fear of arrest keeps most of us in line--we obey the law of the land precisely because we fear the consequences if we don't.

When an arrest occurs, an individual's day and life comes to a violent stop.  One minute they are going about their business--be it legal or illegal--and the next they are being placed in handcuffs, forced into a squad car and carted off to jail.  They are deprived of freedom to come and go as they please and unwillingly enter the dark and frightening world of the US legal system.

For the victim of a crime, the criminal's arrest is a good thing--it means that they can feel safer and hopefully find justice for the wrong committed against them.

But for the family of the individual arrested, it is a far different story.  It is a violent thing, a very violent thing.

As a volunteer in correctional facilities, I have seen many individuals walk through the sally port of the jail in handcuffs to be processed into the facility.  I have witnessed their questioning, examination by the medical staff, and interminable wait for the intake to be completed--crowded into a small cell with 20 to 30 other inmates, forced to sit on cold, hard benches, pee or defecate in full view of others, and finally be led away to shower and change into their prison or jail uniform.  This was all very familiar to me--what happens on the correctional facility side of things after the arrest.  But I had never witnessed an arrest occur until it happened in the foyer of my home.

Barely 24 hours after breaking down the front door to my home and executing a search warrant/raid, detectives returned for the target of their investigation--my soon-to-be ex-husband.  They called me first and ordered me to open the door, which I quickly did.  I didn't want them to force it down yet again.  My soon-to-be ex was in his office trying to assemble another computer from spare parts since the police had confiscated all of his working computers the day before.  The detectives quickly went down the hall and escorted him to the foyer, where my daughter and I stood in shock.

As they placed the handcuffs on his wrists and informed him that he was under arrest, all I could think about was the fact that he had no shoes on.  They were going to take him to jail without shoes.  As my daughter wailed, he maintained his composure and silence.  She hugged him and then they were gone.  Just like that.  One minute he was assembling a computer and the next, life had taken a dreadful turn.

I have been haunted in recent days by the memory of that arrest.  After all that has happened since that day, it still sometimes seems inconceivable to me that my ex-husband was actually arrested--that I witnessed it--that it happened in our home, in our family, in our marriage.  Things like this happen to other people, not to people like me.

Today my daughter had to help a mother explain to her children that their father was going away for a very long time because he had done something bad.  Her tears mingled with theirs because their story is simply too close to her own.  A dad, a husband, or maybe a wife or mother is arrested.  They are there one minute and gone the next.  It is is hard for my adult brain to comprehend this act of violence, how much more difficult for a young child?  An arrest, while often necessary, is a violent thing, a very violent thing.  And when it invades a home and a family, it creates unimagined trauma and pain.  Simply unimaginable.

Three Words for 2014

Shortly after receiving the worst but best gift  when my former husband asked for a divorce on Christmas Day, I decided to do something uncharacteristic for me:  I gave the upcoming New Year a name.  "Never Alone 2012," was the moniker I chose, never imagining how meaningful it would become to me in the days ahead.  Through months of grieving alone in an apartment far removed from the home we had shared, these words provided comfort and a powerful reminder that though I was very much alone, I have never been and was not then, alone.  In my internal world, I am not alone because my Higher Power is ever present and my external world is filled with family and friends who have been anchors for me in the storms of the past months.

In December of 2012, I gave a name to 2013 in response to hearing God whisper, "Will you trust me to be your provider?" in church one Sunday morning.  The name I chose was "Provision 2013."  And God did provide over and above what I needed in every area of my life.  By the end of the year I was employed, had full health benefits and had moved into my own little piece of real estate.  I am beginning to climb out of the financial devastation my ex-husband's arrest and subsequent termination from employment created.  And I am learning that provision for my needs does not rest solely on my shoulders--I have someone greater than myself who continues to prove Himself completely capable of providing for me.

Now that 2014 has arrived, I've been thinking of what I want for this new year and three words keep rattling around in my brain.  The first word is "Prosper," which is usually thought of in terms of succeeding materially.  And certainly, I desire to prosper financially.  But more than financial prosperity, I long for emotional, physical and spiritual prosperity.  I want to flourish, thrive and do well in every area of my life.  I am beginning to reap the rewards of working on my internal world and I anticipate further growth and progress.  But beyond mere survival or barely scraping by, I want to prosper.  So I recall what the prophet Jeremiah  wrote so many centuries ago--my Higher Power's plans for my life include prosperity.  I want to see that applied to my internal and external worlds in the next 12 months.


The second and third words are keys, I believe, to truly experiencing fullness and blooming in life. "Transform"refers to a thorough or dramatic change, a metamorphosis, overhaul, remodel or reworking of the form, appearance or characteristic of a person or thing.  If I am to prosper, then my thinking needs to be transformed, according to Paul and "The Big Book" (Alcoholic's Anonymous).  One area that is in dire need of thought transformation is in my view of self.  One of the consequences I am discovering of my long-term involvement with a narcissist, is in the very negative way that I view myself.  Before we became engaged, my ex-husband expressed concern that my physical appearance would hold him back in his chosen profession.  I was too young, naive, and broken to see this as a narcissistic ploy but instead internalized his criticism and vowed to make myself indispensable to him to compensate for my physical deficiencies.  I see now how I set myself up for many years of pain and if I am to prosper, then this thinking pattern has to change.

My self loathing needs to change to delight.  To "delight" in something means that we take great pleasure in it or that it is a cause or source of great joy.  Contrary to what many of us have been taught, loving self is key to loving others.  A healthy self-love or delight is a preventative measure--it will keep me from being seduced by yet another narcissist and will inoculate me against the daily onslaught of media messages that equate my physical appearance with my worth or value.  My body does not meet that standard of perfection and never will.  But it is good enough--it is healthy and has served me well.  It has carried and nourished three perfectly wonderful human beings.  It is worthy of delight just as it is.  If I am to prosper or blossom then I need to delight in the blooming, beautiful person that I already am.

So my three words for 2014 are Prosper, Transform and Delight.  They do not rhyme and are not set to a catchy jingle. But they form the backbone of my desire for 2014:  that I prosper in every area of my life; that my stinking thinking be transformed and that I learn to delight in the woman that I have become. 

The Hollow Man or A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

When you hear the term "narcissist," what or who comes to mind?  Chances are that the person you immediately identify in your mind's eye is loud, boisterous and boastful--a true "Donald Trump" kind of individual who monopolizes the conversation and consumes all of the oxygen in whatever room he happens to be in.  And you would be right, for the most part.  However, there is a form of narcissism that looks nothing like the picture you imagined and therein lies the danger.  Many of us who have been in exploitative or abusive relationships have been impacted by this insidious form of narcissism.  By the time we realize something is off in the relationship, we are completely entangled in a web of deceit, manipulation and confusion.

Narcissism is defined as a "Pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition." Source  A narcissist desperately seeks admiration and affirmation and is interpersonally exploitive, manipulative and deceptive.  He lacks the capacity for true empathy for others, though he may have learned how to persuasively pretend to be empathic.  And he sees others as mere extensions of himself; he simply cannot imagine life outside of how he perceives it.  The whole world exists for him.

Narcissists are "highly reactive to criticism" and "can be inordinately self-righteous and defensive."  They "project onto others qualities, traits, and behaviors they can't or won't accept in themselves" and they have very "poor interpersonal boundaries" Source.  Narcissists are like the bunny we received as kids at Easter.  On the outside they look substantial and solid but on the inside they are hollow; their shell is their substance.

While all of us have some narcissistic traits, in order to be diagnosed as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder

(NPD), an individual must meet five or more of the criteria listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM IV).  However, what is not clear from the DSM criteria is the fact that narcissism may present in either an overt or covert manner.  We are all pretty familiar with the overt narcissist.  He "Gains narcissistic supplies through charm and a public persona that allows for the grandiose displays of high status, money, and power" (Payson, p. 32).  The overt narcissist is that consummate powerbroker, politician or diva.

The covert narcissist is a true "wolf in sheep's clothing."  He "Gains narcissistic supplies of admiration, status, and control through his or her role connected to a larger than life cause" (Payson, p. 32).  The covert narcissist is often seen as a humanitarian, "righteous idealogue," and expert professional, according to Eleanor Payson (p. 33).  Additionally, the covert narcissist:

• Gains admiration, status, and control through more subtle and indirect means;
• Demeanor is typically more reserved and self-contained, at times aloof;
• Displays a persona that allows him to cover and disguise his grandiose needs;
• Assumed persona allows him to gain attention, status and power through what he is doing and what he is connected to, rather than attempt to command a truly solo role in the spotlight.
• Sees himself as one of the "chosen" people, doing good work for the betterment of humanity.
• May not possess a strong personality but will exude the illusion of selflessness.
• It is normally only in personal relationships that the narcissist's lack of empathy and support give evidence to his limitations and impaired functioning.
• Anger is generally expressed in a passive aggressive manner.

Narcissists are attracted to professions that will give them the narcissistic gains that they must have in order to survive (admiration, affirmation, control, power, recognition--worship).  Many pastors and homeschool/ministry leaders meet the diagnostic criteria for NPD.  Covert narcissists are almost impossible to identify prior to getting involved with them--they are such masters of disguise and pretense.  And all the while they are using and abusing you, they are quite skillfully convincing you that the discomfort you are feeling is your own fault--it is due to some failure or character defect that is in you.  Or worse, it is due to a lack of faith, sin or a spiritual problem.  After all, God is the Ultimate Big Stick and abusers are not hesitant to use Him if it helps them gain power over those within their congregations, homes or families.

I was married for over three decades to a man who was highly esteemed in his professional arena.  He destroyed his career and our family when he was arrested for possession of child pornography.  His subsequent diagnosis as a pedophile was shocking, but I must admit not nearly as difficult as learning that he meets all of the diagnostic criteria for NPD.  Pedophilia stole the future and financial security that I expected to have but narcissism  has stolen my past--the life and marriage I thought I had.  Every memory, both good and bad must now be reframed through the lens of narcissism.  Even with an advanced degree in a helping profession, I could not see his narcissism--that is how confusing and crazy-making covert narcissism is.  Those who know him would probably describe him as a quiet, sensitive man with a quirky sense of humor.  That is how I described him for years.  But, he is a narcissist, pure and simple.

Recovery from involvement with a narcissist takes time, as I am discovering.  It involves letting go of many distortions of truth and blame that were given over the years--a "learning and unlearning," as Jim Cole writes.  Unlearning those truths I believed about myself because the man I loved told me they were true--and learning who I really am--my strengths, weaknesses and true value.  My greatest fear is that I will fail to learn these lessons and find myself involved with another narcissist at some point in the future.  I know how easy it is to fall prey to their skillful manipulation.  The goal is to recognize the narcissism earlier than I have in the past and to get myself to a safe place more quickly than I did in my marriage.  Regardless of whether the narcissist in our life is an overt or covert one, the outcome is always the same--the relationship becomes incredibly painful, one-sided and exploitative.  The choice, though agonizing, is quite simple--we must leave, separate, get away from the exploitative narcissistic person.  They will not change because from their perspective, the whole world may be wrong but they are absolutely right.

**Excellent resource:  The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, Eleanor Payson, MSW, Julian Day Publications, 2002.

Life's Railroad

When I was younger, I believed that life cycles through good times and bad times.  Sometimes we are on the mountaintop of joy, while at other times, we are in the pit of despair--ups and downs, mountains and valleys--the predictability of life's pattern.  But recently, I have come to believe that at any given moment in our lives, we are experiencing both good and bad, both bitter and sweet, both joy and despair.  It's not an either-or pattern but rather a parallel pattern, like the tracks that trains move upon.

So I find myself walking between the rails of great joy and happiness and those of deep sorrow and despair.  Sometimes I balance on one rail, ignoring the other, but more often than not, I meander through life conscious of both rails.  This is such a time.  Earlier this year, I named the year "Provision" because I sensed that God was going to provide what I could not provide for myself--financial stability, a job, home, etc.  In an act of faith and very weak trust, I dared to believe that He could and would provide for me.  And He has.  I have a job, health insurance and am beginning to climb out of the deep financial crisis that my ex-husband's arrest and subsequent termination from employment imposed upon me.

A little over a month ago, I moved into my very own home!  I cannot express the absolute delight and thrill that I feel each time I put the key in the door and walk into my home.  I have painted, cleaned, and repaired the tub that I broke (crazy idea to put a ladder in a fiberglass tub and try to stand on the ladder, by the way).  I have thoroughly enjoyed home ownership and have tackled tasks that in my previous life I would have asked my spouse to do and I have done them successfully.  Tomorrow, two of my children, their partners and my sweet granddaughter will join me around my small table for our first Thanksgiving in my house.  I can't wait to smell the aromas of our meal and to watch my sweet Gracie walk/run through the house.  I have been provided for in ways that I could not even imagine a mere eleven months ago.

But, while I am quite happy, I also sense a well of deep despair and sorrow.  My ex-husband is facing his criminal sentencing in a few days and I find myself overwhelmed once more with the magnitude of what has happened in my family during the past two years.  A recent letter from him just underscored the depth of his denial and minimization of the crime he has pled guilty to and those that he was able to plea-bargain away.  I feel tremendous compassion for him and what he is potentially facing but also fierce anger for the pain his choices have caused for those that I care deeply about.  Anger and sorrow--two competing emotions on the rail called despair.

So during this season of gratitude, I am trying to embrace both the good and the bad and to offer

thanks for both.  For the good things I have received, it is easy to say a heartfelt and exuberant "thank you."  For the difficult things, I am learning to whisper "thank you" through my tears.  Both the good and the bad are part of this beautiful mess called life.  Both rails--the rail of joy and the rail of sorrow--provide the infrastructure for movement through life and for transformation.  Both offer an opportunity for gratitude and growth and both are absolutely essential for fully experiencing the human condition.  I wouldn't trade one tear I have cried for the lessons that sorrow has taught me.  As brutal as it has been, the growth and changes inside of me are far too valuable to wish away.  And I have actually found that the joys of life have become sweeter because of the pain that life has presented.

So rather than resent the sorrow that seems to perpetually intrude upon my joy, I am learning to expect both and to receive both--to keep my hands and my heart open to all that life is offering.  Because both realities are important teachers, if we are open to learning their lessons.  To all of life, I say "yes" and "thank you."

Birthdays, Mirroring and God: Reflections on a Unity Conference

 I attended my second "Unity Conference" yesterday, which is a gathering of sexually addicted individuals (SA) and their impacted family members (S-Anon).  It is a 12-step program based on the Alcoholics Anonymous model and has been around for nearly 25 years in my part of the country.  Last year at this time, I wrote about the "yuck" factor and my reaction to being in a conference with so many "perps."  But this year was different for me, because I have changed.

As a member of the planning committee for this year's conference, my event responsibility was to plan and facilitate the annual "Birthday Party" for S-Anons.  S-Anon birthdays are calculated from the date we entered the program, not from the date we first became sober.  We are not the addict but rather have our lives incredibly impacted by the addiction of another so we celebrate the date when we first washed ashore on the banks of recovery.

Nearly one hundred women, and a few men, were guests of honor for our celebration and in the glow of candlelight and flowers we shared our journeys of recovery.  Newcomers and old-timers alike shared about the most important element of their recovery journey.  And the overwhelming majority indicated that it was the power of the group that had most positively impacted their recovery.  It was in their local group that they found empathy, understanding and unconditional positive regard, often for the first time in their lives.  It was in their S-Anon group that they shared their whole stories and found acceptance and validation.  It was the group that kept them growing as human beings and connected or reconnected them to their Higher Power. 

As I stood and listened to each story, I thought of the parent-child relationship and the impact of mirroring on a child's development.  Mirroring or empathetic responsiveness between the child and her primary caregiver is critical to the infant's development, particularly in the area of emotional self-awareness.  It is the infant's first exposure to human emotional connection and it validates or gives reality to her experience and her existence as a separate human being.  And that is exactly what the group does for the partner of an addict--it validates her reality--normalizes it and offers understanding, empathy and compassion.

Today is Sunday--the day I normally attend church.  But today, I am giving my body, spirit and soul a rest and am staying home.  My shame-based "religious" training kicked in this morning and I heard Paul's admonition to "not forsake the assembling of yourselves," ringing in my ears.  And the thought occurs to me, that yesterday was church in the truest sense.  So much of what I heard--actually almost all of what I heard was about spiritual growth and transformation as a result of the pain of addiction and as a consequence of working the steps.  One after another, individuals shared from the podium, at the lunch table and in our small groups about how recovery has connected or reconnected them to God.  This was not a religious gathering but a truly spiritual one.  These are people who have been betrayed, have behaved in ways they are too ashamed to talk about and yet have found grace and mercy and a new love and connection to the God of their understanding. 

And let's face it, it is generally quite unsafe to go into a church gathering and be vulnerable, transparent and honest about the struggles we face everyday with real problems.  Church folk tend to be too "nice" to talk about the gritty, dirty parts of the human condition on a personal level.  We can talk about sin in a global sense but certainly not in a personal sense.  Church tends to be the place we go to with masks firmly in place.  And as a card-carrying, life-long member of organized religion, I know this to be true.

So as I stood before the group yesterday to share my journey of recovery, I talked about how I am finally able to live loved.  While I have cognitively known that God loves me and delights in me, I have been unable to get that knowledge to move 18 inches from my head to my heart.  Participation in my precious Saturday morning 12-step group with its endless supply of love, compassion, empathy and validation has helped me learn to live in the glow of my Papa's steady, unfailing and overwhelming love for me.  I feel joy, contentedness and security in a way I could only dream of prior to entering recovery.  My spiritual life has been completely transformed in ways I could only imagine before.  My heart beats gratitude for this life I have been given and love for a God who has mirrored love to me since my birth.  I just couldn't see it.  But it was in the rooms of a 12-step program that I saw Him--with eyes of love and acceptance and with tears flowing down His face for the pain I was experiencing.  It was in the faces of other broken and wounded men and women that I saw my own pain and experienced a human connection unlike any others I have known.  Like a mother, holding her infant child, they held me close, soothed my fears and calmed my troubled heart.  They whispered words of encouragement and didn't let go, even when I was inconsolable.  I can live loved because I have been loved by these incredible men and women.  Happy Birthday to us one and all!