Why Activism Matters

Over the past few days, the blogging world has been very active with the Josh Duggar and Karen Root Hinkley stories.  For those of us who have been impacted either by spiritual abuse and/or interaction with a pedophile, these “stories” are felt deeply and our anger is rooted in the trauma we have experienced and that we see others experiencing.  It is a deeply felt pain of identification that time and distance do not heal.  We are angry at the injustice, ignorance and our sense of impotence in the face of such evil.  It gets exhausting—anger may be an empowering emotion but it also becomes exhausting, especially when it seems that real change is elusive.

Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just give up, bury our heads in the sand and sing a happy song.  But our anger and grief matter.  They matter a great deal and we cannot afford to be silenced on this critical issue.  It may be uncomfortable to be angry and to fully identify with the pain of others, but it is the catalyst for creating the change we want to see.  And it is critically important that change come.

 

Men and women who stood against the injustices, excesses and abuses of organized religion, social norms and punitive laws made change through their activism.  They got angry and decided to do something about it.  Reformers and change agents risked personal safety, reputation and anonymity in order to draw attention to a problem and to mobilize public support for change.  None of the major battles of reformation within organized religion and society were undertaken passively—they resulted from a burning anger at injustice and a commitment to do something to force change.

Our anger and subsequent activism matter; they matter a great deal.  Organized religion must change its approach to women and children and it must change its perspective on pedophiles. And we must channel our anger into positive action until change comes.  Our activism matters because:

• Our children matter!  They deserve to grow up in a community where predatory behavior is not tolerated.  Childhood sexual abuse has been termed a “soul slayer.”  It destroys a child’s sense of worth, value and spiritual connection with God.  It is not innocent or harmless!  If we allow the severity of individual acts to be judged on the basis of whether they occurred over or under clothing, penetration was achieved or not, or any other attempt to minimize the impact on a child’s emotional and spiritual health, we are culpable as well!

• Perpetrators are incredibly skilled at deception and manipulation.  Pedophilia is not something that can be prayed away; it requires years of intensive therapy with individuals specifically trained to deal with sexual orientation/addiction issues. And even under the best of circumstances, it is incredibly resistant to change.  Church leadership who think they can control, contain or manage a pedophile intentionally places the children in the congregation at risk.  And the church leadership must be held accountable, by their congregants and by the courts. 

• It is time for the needs of victims to be prioritized without question.  We can quibble about theological differences of opinion regarding gender roles, submission in marriage, the role of women in the church,  recognizing that theologians may legitimately differ on what Scripture teaches with regards to these sensitive topics.  However, we must no longer tolerate further abuse or insensitivity towards those who have been victimized.  And we certainly must not remain silent when we see instances where the needs of the perpetrator are prioritized over those of the victim.  Victim-blaming must stop and we must not stay silent when we see it occurring.

The greatest tragedy that could possibly come from these two horrific stories (and all the other untold ones we have yet to hear about) would be if we allow ourselves to forget, to become distracted and to turn from the battle that we now see clearly.  The time for change has come.  If you and I do not take up the challenge, who will?  If not now, then when?  If not us, then who?

Heartbroken and Angry

Two recent news accounts of childhood sexual molestation, child pornography ad the church's response have reignited anger and sadness in my heart.  I have felt for a long time that the evangelical church is facing a crisis much larger than what the Catholic Church faced when it comes to perpetrators operating within its walls.  Churches are probably the last safe hideout for perpetrating pedophiles and it seems that the more conservative the church, the greater likelihood that molesters are at work.

The first story involves TLC reality star Josh Duggar's admission to sexually molesting numerous little girls a number of years ago.  When the molestation came to light, his father kept it a secret for at least a year--he then told the church elders who buried the story for a number of months prior to alerting the authorities.  Josh was sent to what was first called a "training center" but it turns out it was only a family friend who simply put him to work.  There is no evidence that he received professional counseling and certainly nothing seems to have been done to provide therapy and support for his victims.  The police detective who took the complaint is a family friend and it turns out is now serving a 56 year sentence on child pornography charges.  No charges were filed against Josh.

And then there is the story of Karen (Root) Hinkley, a former missionary to Asia with her ex-husband.  While overseas, it was discovered that he was using child pornography for his sexual gratification.  The sending agency brought them home and he found shelter in his very conservative church.  The church indicated in an email that Jordan Root knew that he could be arrested at any minute but assured its congregation that they were taking good care of him because he was "repentant."

Karen courageously filed for an annulment of their marriage and it was granted.  The judge granted an annulment rather than a divorce because she alleged that the marriage was based on fraud--that she had been deceived from the beginning.  I wish I had thought of that strategy!  When the church discovered that the Root's marriage had been annulled, they placed Karen in church discipline for taking such an action without their permission!  Meanwhile, the real villain, the real danger to children, the man who has admitted to criminal behavior and to pedophilia is in the safe harbor of his delusional church.

Both stories illustrate what is so very wrong in conservative evangelicalism:

• Male privilege & double standards:  It is still a man's world in far too many corners of the globe and especially so in fundamental religions.  When men misbehave, it is chalked up to "boys being boys."  However, when a woman is even perceived to have misbehaved, the hard hammer of judgment falls on her.  Churches who insist on the submission of women within marriage or in the church create an atmosphere where men can do no wrong and women can do no right.
• Cheap grace & pseudo-repentance:  All that the skillful and manipulative perpetrator must do is admit that he has "sinned" and seek restoration.  Little thought seems to be given to verifying his version of the "sinful" events or of acknowledging the real seriousness of these crimes and the very real threat these perpetrators pose to innocent children.  He says he is sorry, that he is all better now and church leadership takes him at his word.  Our children pay the price for this stupidity.
• Women & children are expendable:  Because women and children are not valued as highly as the men in the community, their pain is not validated as significant as that of the males.  Their wounds are not properly tended to; indeed they are often not even recognized.  The unstated understanding is that women exist for a man's pleasure--not too far from the women as property mentality!
• Religion is used to control the narrative rather than to seek justice:  Jesus defined true religion as one that cares for the poor, the widow and the orphans.  Partners of pedophiles may not be widows in the truest sense, but they have been abandoned in a profound and catastrophic way.  And violated children whose parents and/or church fail to protect them vigorously and seek justice for them are orphans.  Instead of protecting the vulnerable and abandoned, the church seeks to control the story, contain the damage and sweep it all under the rug, unless of course, the perpetrator is a woman.

I'm angry.  I'm disappointed in the institution I have been a part of for my entire lifetime.  And I'm sad--sad for the victims whose cries are ignored or stifled--sad that the Gospel is so perverted by those whose aim is control and power rather than justice and mercy.  Dear God, save us from ourselves!

Who Gets to Control Me?

For the majority of my life I have ceded control of my life, including decisions, beliefs, values, and morals to others in an attempt to gain approval.  I first wanted God's approval and was taught that the only way to get that was through works, holiness and perpetual repentance.  The theology I was raised in taught that while I might live a life of holiness (without which no one can see God), if in a moment of weakness I sinned and God returned before I had repented, I would not be taken in the rapture.  God was a tyrant who was mercurial and not to be trusted.

The family I was raised in was incredibly dysfunctional, and still is.  I was taught that the only way to have my needs met was to go along with whatever dictate the family issued.  Someone was always "in" in the family and and someone was always "out."  You never knew when your status could change from favored one to disfavored one and you never knew why the status changed.  It just did.  My family still insists that I live by the rules and roles they have established for me--after 58 years nothing has changed.  But I have.

The churches I attended have provided the same message--you can't lead even though God has gifted you with leadership capabilities because we don't believe it is scriptural.  You can't wear makeup or cut your hair or wear pants because we have determined that it is not within the standard of holiness, as we define it.  You must submit to you husband in everything because he is your spiritual head--it doesn't matter that he is a child molester and has turned to child pornography for sexual gratification.  Just go home and keep him happy.  Don't think for yourself and for goodness sake, don't make decisions for yourself!  You are a woman, a weaker vessel and it is because of you that sin entered the world.

I married a man who, though I thought he was prince charming, turned out to be a very very sick man.  I sensed from the very early days of our marriage that something had changed--that he didn't fully accept me or maybe even love me.  So I made vows to make myself into just the kind of person he wanted.  He didn't like country music, neither did I (but I really did enjoy some of it).  He didn't like sports, neither did I. He didn't trust personality profiles or psychological testing, then neither did I.  Always wanting to please and always knowing that I never measured up.

And then in a horrible traumatic way, I learned what it would take to please him.  And were it possible for me to do or be what he desired, I would refuse.  I simply could not/would not become a child again.

A number of months ago I wrote about the most horrible but best Christmas gift I ever received.  I didn't know it then but it was my Emancipation Proclamation and Declaration of Independence wrapped messily in one announcement.  He no longer wanted to be married to me; we made the decision to divorce.

For three years, I have struggled to survive and to recover from a lifetime of appeasement and approval-seeking.  For three years I have worked hard to identify those areas of my life that created vulnerabilities and made me willing to sacrifice myself on the altar of another's desires and preferences.  I have learned that I made those sacrifices in order to try to control something that I did not cause and could not cure.  I have learned that I ceded my personal power to another, that I gave myself away--that I betrayed and abandoned my inner child, that young bride and now a middle-aged woman.  I did this to me.  This is my sickness.

So in the quest to rediscover or maybe discover for the first time this self that I had so abandoned, I made the decision to date and recently accepted a wonderful man's proposal of marriage.  It is a decision that has been met with incredible resistance, anger and rejection by some in my family.  And the choice is offered to me again--acquiesce or be rejected and/or abandoned.  Change course or we will offer you the gift of the silent treatment.  Go back to the way you've always been, stay in the role we know you for or I/we cannot/will not accept you.

This time the answer is a resounding NO!"  I will not abandon myself again for the sake of another, no matter how much I love that person.  I shouldn't be asked to.  It should not be a requirement of love given or received.  My responsibility now is what it always has been--take care of me.  It is sad that it has taken me over five decades to figure this out.  But I've learned this important lesson and my vow to myself is to never cede power over me to another.  I am the only one who gets to control me.  In reverence and submission to my PapaGod, it is my job to make decisions for myself.  It is a sacred duty that I owe myself and I am determined to fulfill it at last.

Words to the Broken Woman that was Me

I recently read the heart wrenching words of yet another woman betrayed by her pedophile partner.  Her shock, dismay and fear resonated deeply within my heart--how well I remember those days--days when fear of the future overwhelmed any sense of hope that my children and I could possibly emerge from the nightmare that had suddenly enfolded us.  Words of comfort sprang into my mind--I wanted so much to communicate hope and healing to yet another broken woman whose life, marriage and world had just exploded.  I wanted to tell her what I needed to hear when I sat in my own grief and anguish and yet I know that she cannot hear words of comfort just yet.  For now, she simply needs to cry and she needs individuals who will create and hold space for her to do just that.

So allow me to talk for a bit to that wounded woman who was me just three short years ago.  Here is what I want her to know; these are the concepts I have learned by living them.  This is an assurance that I can offer from the perspective of distance, time and healing.  This is my letter to my own self and to all women who discover that their lives are not what they believed them to be.

Dearest Broken Woman,

I see you sitting in the ash heap of what once looked like a beautiful life.  You are devastated by a betrayal of incredible proportion and you fear what is yet to come.  You sift through the soot and debris looking for something that remains--some remnant of the life you once knew.  The intensity of your aloneness is profound; you feel like a pariah, a leper, an untouchable.  You are raw from the pain and your eyes have shed more tears than you thought was humanly possible.  You long for human comfort and compassion but unfortunately have learned already that few are able to be present in the way that you need them to be.  I am so sorry, so very sorry.

I want you to know that this is not the end of your story or your defining moment.  You will survive this because you are far stronger than you ever imagined.  This devastation is not the final chapter of your life; there is more, so much more--and it will be good.  You will laugh again and experience joy and maybe even love.  You cannot imagine that at this moment but it is true.  You have a future and a hope and your needs will be provided for.  I cannot tell you how but I know from experience that they will be.  And though you feel completely alone, you are being held close by the God who collects your tears and saves them in His bottle.  He has not abandoned or rejected you; this did not catch Him by surprise.

Please hear me when I say this:  you did not cause this, you could not control it and you certainly cannot cure it.  Maybe you've tried (assuming you knew what your partner was up to).  Whether you knew or not, you certainly tried to maintain a good relationship with him, working hard to keep him interested and connected with you and your relationship.  But this is bigger than you and you bear no responsibility for the crimes he has committed.  Repeat that to yourself again and again until it begins to sink into your heart.  You did not do this and you certainly do not deserve it.  This happened to you; you did not do it.

You grieve for your children.  Whether they were victims of his perpetrating behavior or not, they have suffered a grievous loss--a loss of innocence, trust and a parent who may have been a good father to them.  But your children are stronger than you think and they are incredibly resilient.  They are suffering and their lives will never be the same but living in truth always trumps living inside of a falsehood, even a pretty one.  As difficult as this time is for them, they are learning important truths about their father--truths that with love and support may empower them to make different choices in life.

My dearest sister, please don't give up.  It may seem easier to just end it but don't add that to the burden your children must bear.  You will see better days; the memory of this pain will never go away completely but the intensity of it will diminish.  Don't opt for a permanent solution to a temporary problem--choose to embrace life, even the pain it brings because in the end, life is good.  This devastation will be redeemed and one day you will look back on this incredibly painful time as a necessary and good thing.

Hang on!  Reach out to at least one trusted person when you need to; don't be afraid to tell your story again and again and again and again--as long as it takes to digest what just happened to you.  Give yourself space and time to heal and don't be afraid to feel the pain when it comes.  Know that grief is much like the waves crashing on the shore--it comes in quickly and envelops one in pain, confusion and despair.  But just as sure as it came in, it will recede again.  Take a deep breath and plunge into it because that is the path to healing.

You are not alone--there are many of us--far too many to count.  You are not alone and you will survive.  I promise that you will.

Your sister,
Brenda

An Emotionally Unavailable God

My recent posts on connection have spurred additional thinking and pondering, which may or may not be a good thing.  Without question, we were designed for human connection and in its absence we break, we hurt and often we numb.  But we were also designed for spiritual connection and without it have a void in the deepest part of our core.  It is this spiritual void, along with the lack of solid and healthy human connections that drive so much destructive behavior--destructive behavior against self as well as against others.

The Creator designed men and women to join in the connections and interactions that the members of the Godhead enjoy.  Our first glimpse of the Creator at work is of a God who designed all of His creation to be interactive and dynamic--to be a creation of connections.  We see a God who came and walked with Adam and Eve in the Garden that He had created for them and we see the enemy of God coming in and attempting to destroy that sweet communion and connection.  The Genesis account indicates that after they had disobeyed God, Adam and Eve were ashamed and hid themselves from God.  Shame, that nemesis of connection, the originator of disconnections, was born in a Garden designed for connection.


It occurs to me, however, that much of religious teaching and theology paints a picture of a God who is unavailable for emotional connection.  He is a mercurial tyrant, waiting for us to make a mistake--the hammer of his judgment is always ready to fall on unsuspecting and feeble mankind.  Scripture taken out of context and poorly interpreted is used to support this portrait of an unloving, untrustworthy and dangerous task master.  And all of creation trembles in fear rather than dare to draw close to this god, as we were designed to do.

I grew up in legalistic "holiness" churches where frightening scenarios of end-time events was regularly stressed.  According to the theology I was taught, no matter how "good" I was, if I had not attained a significant level of "holiness," I would not see God.  Furthermore, even if I lived a righteous life (and really, who can do that?), if I had one bad thought or one unconfessed sin and the Rapture occurred, I would be left behind.  I remember riding on a city bus one morning and becoming quite anxious that maybe the Rapture had occurred and I had been left behind.  I anxiously scanned the faces of people in the bus and those we passed in cars and on street corners, looking for someone that I knew was a Christian.  I finally got off the bus, raced to a pay phone (remember those?) and called home.  I can still remember the palpable relief I felt when my mom answered the phone.

So God was not available for emotional connection--He was dangerous and I lived in fear of Him.  It is impossible to connect authentically and transparently with someone that we are afraid of.  It is just not possible.  So, while I have been "religious" all of my life--a regular church goer, a BA in Bible and a MA with some significant graduate classes in theology, etc., I have not felt a deep spiritual connection to God--I have felt that void and emptiness in my core.  And I know that I am not alone.  Indeed, this is the condition of all of humanity.  We are seeking to fill that God-sized hole with everything but connection with God because we have been taught that He is unapproachable.

www.comfortprints.com

For me, the path to connection with God has required letting go--letting go of teachings that make no sense in light of the Gospel message--that of a God who sacrificially gave of Himself in order to reconcile His creation to Himself.  The Gospel message is a message of unconditional and extravagant LOVE--not of retribution and punishment!  It has required reevaluating all that I was taught and studying the Bible with fresh new eyes.  It has involved reading works by authors who have dared to challenge the "status quo" of religious teachings--people such as Richard Rohr, Paula D'Arcy, Paul Young and Rob Bell, to name a few.  And it has involved rocking a sweet granddaughter, with such love in my heart that I felt I could not contain one more ounce.  If I, as a flawed human being am able to love someone as much as I love my sweet grace baby, how much more does PapaGod love me?

God is not unavailable for emotional connection.  Connection is what He is all about.  We have just been fed notions about him that did not originate with him.  And it is time to let them go and reach out for the God who is there and who is available--the God who is waiting with longing to connect with us.

Connection as the Remedy for Addiction

I ran across a fascinating article today proposing a new way to look at addiction.  Two basic theories on addiction causation have dominated research and legislation for a number of decades:  the view that addiction is a moral failure and the view that it derives from a biologic disease process (i.e. physical dependence on a substance).

The author of the article collected thousands of anecdotal stories from around the world as well as examined multiple research studies on the cause of addiction.  His conclusion is that addiction thrives when there is a lack of human connection.  "Human beings have a deep need to bond and form connections.  It's how we get our satisfaction.  If we can't connect with each other, we will connect with anything we can find--the whirr of a roulette wheel or the prick of a syringe."  (Hari)  The solution to addiction be it to a substance or to a behavior (i.e. sex addiction) is to teach the addict how to connect with others in a healthy fashion.  According to the author, "The opposite of addiction is not sobriety.  It is human connection." (Hari)

We are hardwired for connection with other humans and without it, would not survive infancy.  Dr. Brene Brown defines connection as "the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship." (Brown, Daring Greatly).  Dr Brown goes on to assert that "Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives." (ibid)  "We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong.  When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to.  We break.  We fall apart.  We numb.  We ache.  We hurt others.  We get sick." (Brown)

Having been in relationship with an individual addicted to child pornography, I can attest that he lived a very disconnected life.  He was not connected fully to anyone, least of all to himself. Though I longed to connect with him and tried in every manner possible, I was unable to connect because he was unavailable for connection.  His addiction was a symptom of a deeper sickness that he was plagued with in that he was "constantly directing [his] gaze towards the next shiny object [or titillating picture] [he] could buy, rather than the human beings all around [him]." (Hari)  It was devastating and sad to watch and the rejection I felt from his inability to connect with me continues to haunt me.

After re-entering the dating world, I am realizing that the impact of having lived with an emotionally disconnected individual is stunning.  It seems that I am prone to be attracted to men who have difficulty connecting on a deep emotional level.  I understand that there may be a gender variant here in that women may have a more natural ability to experience and process emotions especially as they relate to connection with another.  But if I am to avoid a relationship with an individual with the potential for addiction, I need to focus on men who are able or willing to learn how to really connect on a deep emotional level with me, with others, with themselves and with their God.

Emotional connection or intimacy does not happen magically--it takes hard work and a commitment to a mutual sharing of our innermost selves with another.  It involves developing a level of trust and communication that enables each partner to feel wholly accepted, respected and worthy--feeling that they are enough, just as they are.  "Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don't matter, and seeing the value of working on cultivating connection with family and close friends." (Brown, Daring Greatly)

Developing a deep emotional connection with another requires setting aside certainty and embracing vulnerability; it demands that we devote sufficient time spent with the other so that transparency and intimacy can grow; it requires daring to trust at deeper and deeper levels.  It is time consuming, frightening but so worth the effort.

My dearest friend has shared my life for almost three decades.  Approximately half of that time we have been separated geographically by this vast country.  Because we have committed to sharing our lives with each other and to daily contact, our connection grows stronger with each passing year.  My dear friend knows me better than any other and yet she loves me, accepts me and delights to talk to me.  This is emotional connection--it is life-giving and inspires deeper personal growth and transformation.  It is life as it was meant to be lived--shared deeply with another.  And that is a sure-fire remedy for the addiction crisis that confronts our country.

The Year of Healthy Connections

For the past three years, I have named the upcoming year--sometimes as a way to remind myself of important concepts and sometimes to establish a goal for the new year.  I began the practice in 2012 and named the year "Never Alone 2012" as a reminder that though my marriage was ending, I would never be alone because God was with me.  In 2013, after hearing God whisper, "Will you trust me to be your provider?" I named the year Provision and He did provide for me in ways that I could not begin to fathom at the beginning of the year.

In 2014, I chose three words as indicators of my goals for the year:  Transform, Delight and Prosper.  I certainly have met with surprising success (i.e. prosperity) professionally during the past twelve months and am learning to delight in the unique ways that my Creator formed me, which includes embracing my physical beauty (gasp, blush!).  The year has unfolded in many unexpected ways, however, and one of the biggest surprises was that transformation does not come without pain and discomfort.

In many ways, 2014 has rivaled 2012 in terms of personal pain and loss.  Indeed, the definition of transformation describes a "thorough or dramatic change, a metamorphosis, overhaul, remodel or reworking of the form, appearance or characteristic of a person or thing."  Relationships that I held dear have not survived my own personal transformation.  One of the notions that I am embracing is that transformation and growth will bring pushback from systems that thrive on homeostasis.  And this pushback can and often does result in broken connections.

So 2015 will be the "Year of Healthy Connections."  According to shame researcher Dr. Brene Brown, "Belonging (i.e. connection) is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.  Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it."  She goes on to emphasize that "true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance. (Brown, Daring Greatly).  So healthy connections begins with self-acceptance and eschewing approval-seeking behaviors.

Additionally, Dr. Brown writes that "Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don't matter and seeing the value of working on cultivating connection with family and close friends."  I would add that sometimes it is impossible to build healthy connections with our biological family so we work to create a family of choice as a substitute.

Healthy connections will require:

• Stepping out of my comfort zone and daring to trust and engage with others.
• Continuing to work on self-acceptance.
• Being aware of approval-seeking behavior (my default setting) and work to stop it.
• Maintaining good boundaires.
• Showing up and allowing my authentic self to be seen.

"Out with the old; in with the new" is a mantra often heard this time of year.  A new year offers a fresh start, not a "do-over" necessarily but a new opportunity to do things differently.  We replace the old calendar with a new one and we can aim to replace old, hurtful behaviors/relationships with new healthier ones.  In establishing healthier connections, it will be important to remember this final reminder from Dr. Brown:  "Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer." Amen!