Married to a Pedophile

If you are or have been a romantic partner of a pedophile, chances are you may have heard some of these statements:

• The wife always knows that her husband is molesting children; she just turns a blind eye.
• Wives of pedophiles are co-pedophiles; they collude with their monster husbands.
• It's the wife's fault--maybe she is frigid, not loving enough or maybe she is too critical.
• Wives of pedophiles must not be interested in sex, which is why he has to go elsewhere.
• She must have let herself go if he is looking at little kids for sexual gratification.

Maybe you have convinced yourself that his problem is somehow your fault.  But remember--

pedophiles are master manipulators and deceivers and they very often blame others for their grievous actions.  They expend tremendous energy assembling a cover story--a spouse, children, high-level job, legitimate access to children, etc.  They look and act respectable and they are experts at evading responsibility--they act so confident that it never occurs to anyone to check their story, verify their facts, and ask questions.  The high-ranking, clever, well-respected and high-functioning ones are walking among us because the less adept ones are already incarcerated.  These "expert" con artists are masters at reading people and know exactly what to say and how to act.

Their romantic partner is their primary target for blame and we comply by internalizing their blame and accepting their shame.  We feel responsible for their deviancy. So we isolate and cower in fear. We fear the ramifications of their discovery and rightly so.  We know that there is no  sympathy for us in the media, general population, law enforcement and sometimes even in the therapeutic community.  We know, instinctively that we are held responsible for the actions of our husband and that terrifies us.

But YOU didn't cause it, YOU can't control it, and YOU are not responsible!

As the romantic partner of a pedophile, you are a hidden victim.  Unfortunately, you are not afforded the same consideration and care that other victims are given. This is not to diminish the pain of the child victim in any way--certainly molestation, grooming and child sexual abuse damages children in ways we are only now beginning to understand.  But partners are groomed as well; partners are abused and betrayed too.  And few understand or recognize that.

I want you to know that you are not alone.  There are far too many of us and it is time that we find one another and offer the support and community that we need to heal.  Other women have found their way out and we can too.  There is life after marriage to a pedophile--I am living it and others are too.  We stand as witnesses that you can survive this as well.