Married to a Pedophile

If you are or have been a romantic partner of a pedophile, chances are you may have heard some of these statements:
  • The wife always knows that her husband is molesting children; she just turns a blind eye.
  • Wives of pedophiles are co-pedophiles; they collude with their monster husbands.
  • It's the wife's fault--maybe she is frigid, not loving enough or maybe she is too critical.
  • Wives of pedophiles must not be interested in sex, which is why he has to go elsewhere.
  • She must have let herself go if he is looking at little kids for sexual gratification.
Maybe you have convinced yourself that his problem is somehow your fault.  But remember--
pedophiles are master manipulators and deceivers and they very often blame others for their grievous actions.  They expend tremendous energy assembling a cover story--a spouse, children, high-level job, legitimate access to children, etc.  They look and act respectable and they are experts at evading responsibility--they act so confident that it never occurs to anyone to check their story, verify their facts, and ask questions.  The high-ranking, clever, well-respected and high-functioning ones are walking among us because the less adept ones are already incarcerated.  These "expert" con artists are masters at reading people and know exactly what to say and how to act.

Their romantic partner is their primary target for blame and we comply by internalizing their blame and accepting their shame.  We feel responsible for their deviancy. So we isolate and cower in fear. We fear the ramifications of their discovery and rightly so.  We know that there is no  sympathy for us in the media, general population, law enforcement and sometimes even in the therapeutic community.  We know, instinctively that we are held responsible for the actions of our husband and that terrifies us.

But YOU didn't cause it, YOU can't control it, and YOU are not responsible!

As the romantic partner of a pedophile, you are a hidden victim.  Unfortunately, you are not afforded the same consideration and care that other victims are given. This is not to diminish the pain of the child victim in any way--certainly molestation, grooming and child sexual abuse damages children in ways we are only now beginning to understand.  But partners are groomed as well; partners are abused and betrayed too.  And few understand or recognize that.

I want you to know that you are not alone.  There are far too many of us and it is time that we find one another and offer the support and community that we need to heal.  Other women have found their way out and we can too.  There is life after marriage to a pedophile--I am living it and others are too.  We stand as witnesses that you can survive this as well.  



74 comments:

  1. I am amazed that this website exists. I have been so alone through this journey. Yes, I was married to a pedophile for 34 years and we had eight children together (I already had a daughter when we got married, and he raised her and supported her since she was 5 years old). When it came out (after I had moved out with my youngest) that he had molested the two younger girls, the lady from CPS said, in front of my daughter, "So, you married a pedophile and had eight kids with him!" Like he was wearing a sign and I chose him for that reason. I married a man that seemed to love kids the same way I did. The state did take my three youngest kids away from me in 2008, and I have not been allowed to see or speak to the two youngest since that day. They have been told every day that I "let" their dad molest them, we are both monsters, and somehow I enjoyed it. I am sure that the $1500 a month child support went a long way to divide the family, too. Their aunt couldn't afford to lose that money. I was destroyed in every arena of life and sometimes, am shocked to see that I am actually on the road to recovery. God is putting me back together slowly but surely, and I have some peace and joy in my daily life. I will likely spend a lot of time on this sight. I am so sorry there are others who have experienced this pain, but since we have, it is so good to be able to bear each other's burdens.

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  2. Dear Anonymous,
    I am so sorry for your tragedy--so very sorry. It still amazes me that smart people continue to believe the perpetrator even after they have been tried and convicted. It points to the incredible ability they have to deceive and manipulate. I am glad you are on the road to recovery and welcome to this site.
    Brenda

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  3. i just found out on Tuesday that my husband of five years has been looking at child pornography. he hasn't, or so he says, looked at any male porn or acted on any fantasies. i thought our marriage was great. i found out he was hiding something, and i thought he was cheating, and i was just ready to begin moving on from an affair when i found out it wasn't an affair at all. i moved my son and myself into my parenta house. this is painful. i loved him so much. but how can i love someone who is aroused by little girls? how can i move on from this damage? what do i do now?

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    1. Dear Marguerite,

      To say "I am sorry" seems so lame in light of your recent discoveries and the pain you are now experiencing. But I am sorry and I do know where you are at. You are not alone. You did not cause this, you cannot cure it and you certainly cannot control it. Believe me, I tried to do all three for over three decades. For me, it would have been easier had my ex-husband had an affair with an adult woman--devastating but easier to digest.

      Instead of asking "How can I love someone who is aroused by little girls?" for me the question was, "Why did I stay in a marriage with someone who was not aroused by me?" There are many reasons we wives stay--it is not nearly as black and white as most would like to believe it is.

      While the dawn of the internet age has led to much more addictive behaviors with pornography, it has also brought about resources for women such as the two of us--resources that were not available when I made my own discoveries so many decades ago. One such resource is this article on Spiritual Sounding Board (by the way, this letter was sent to me and I have since met the writer and we are very good friends):

      http://spiritualsoundingboard.com/2013/05/15/being-married-to-a-pedophile-a-wife-speaks-out-and-offers-hope-to-other-wives-of-pedophiles/

      No one can tell you what to do, though many will try. You will have to arrive at that decision on your own. But there is a community of us who will walk along side you an be a sounding board as you navigate these shark-infested waters. Don't isolate yourself in shame but rather bring one or two trusted companions into your nightmare--it can make all the difference.

      Feel free to email me at the email address under the "Contact me" line on the right-hand side of this page.

      Hugs,
      Brenda

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    2. Thank you! I needed to read this so much. My husband of 27 years is a pedophile and I had no idea until my house was raided by Homeland Security. I was hauled out of bed with a rifle to my head, forced to my knees and handcuffed. That was nothing to what the officers told me. He lied to me everyday from the day we met. Most of the lies came to light over the next month. I am in a fresh hell each and every day as I try to pick myself up and get out of the mess he dropped me in. Is there a support group anywhere for women like us? I live with the shame of this everyday and I did nothing wrong.

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    3. Dear Unknown,

      I am so sorry for the trauma and betrayal you have experienced. I am coming up on the 4th anniversary of my own hell and I know that just the reminders of it are enough to send me to my knees. I cannot imagine being handcuffed!

      There is nothing I can say to make this better--there is no panacea or pithy word of encouragement. I can tell you that this is not the end of your story--that there is life ahead for you and that it can be far happier than you can imagine right now.

      My daughter and I had a conversation yesterday about the joy we feel in life now--we could not have imagined that joy four years ago. That is my hope for you--that you find joy again. In terms of a support group, I encourage you to get involved in S-Anon, a 12 step recovery group for family members of those struggling with a sexual compulsion or addiction.

      Hugs,
      Brenda

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    4. I understand your pain and confusion. How could this happen? Why? Was I not good enough for you? was the sex not enough? There are a million whys racing though our minds. Mine is all this and total numbness (except for when I hold my babies.) I was with my husband for just over 10 years married for a little over 8. I am seeking legal advice this week He worked hard at a good job with the government while I cared for the home and children. This last weekend my older girl and her friend found a mini cam hidden in her bathroom vent. Long story short as our story is just beginning he was found guilty of recording my preteen in the bathroom and arrested Monday. Both his family and mine are in complete shock as he had never shown any signs prior. The kids do not yet know why dad is gone. They think he is away on a business trip. It is going to break her heart when she learns what he did and where he is now. Also, how will this affect the kids and their view of men in the future?

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  4. Thank you for doing this. I have been looking for a website that offers something other then just staying with the offender. My own child acts like I am suspect. All this just happened to me 6/4. I am 60 yrs old have had 2 failed back surgeries and was on the Fentanyl patch for the last 14 yrs. Thankfully I had been weaned off it (horrid) for 5 months before the agents came to the door with a search warrant. It was then 6/4/15 that I found out that my husband of 16yrs had been downloading child porn. My life has been shattered ever since. I feel like I am dead. Since the 4th the agents have been in contact with me and have told me so much more (I could have done without it) They took from my home 2 pcs, a laptop and 2 hard drives all with child porn. He has been doing this for years and I was totally unaware. He seems to be the best husband a woman could want. All lies and I am nothing.

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  5. Dear Helenrose,

    I am so sorry--so very sorry that you have and are experiencing this nightmare. This is such a profound betrayal. But, you are not nothing! You are an individual with immeasurable worth and a woman of great beauty and strength. You didn't know and you are not alone in this not knowing--there are so many of us. These guys are incredibly gifted at deceiving and gaslighting. And they often do appear like the perfect husband, upstanding citizen, etc.

    Life will get better--your children will come around and you will heal. Eventually you may even be grateful for this horrid situation. But for now, know that you are not alone--that you did not cause this, could not control it and certainly can not cure it.

    Best,
    Brenda

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  6. thank you but right now all i can do is cry

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    1. I'm in the bath crying too.. My daughter found out from a trusted friend. I am deleted from hers and my granddaughters life. Heartbroken.

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    2. Ive been deleted from my grandchildrens lives too....a terrible price to pay for knowing nothing x

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  7. I know. Cry as long as you need to. Just know that you will survive and it will get better. You are not alone.

    Brenda

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  8. My husband who I was separated from for 5 months was just arrested for having sex with a 12 yr old girl 3 times. She says it is consensual and he didn't force her but I feel sick that he could even think about doing that. It feels like a nightmare. How am I ever going to show my face again. All the time he was with her he was telling me he was trying to fix our marriage and he was attending counselling. How could he throw away 8 years of our life for a young teenager. I feel broken and sick and ugly and dirty.

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  9. Dear Anonymous,

    I am so very, very sorry for the pain you are experiencing. The shame you feel does not belong to you--hand it back to the person to whom it belongs! You did not do this--he did. I know your shame and your pain but shame carried for another is just a heavy load that weighs you down. There is nothing you can do about it. If I do something wrong and feel guilt about it, I can make amends, can right my wrong or at least apologize for it.

    But carrying the shame and guilt for another is fruitless. You can't do anything about it--you are assuming the responsibility that he bears and by doing so, allow him to not feel what is rightfully his to feel. Pedophiles are great--absolutely amazing--at handing shame and responsibility for their deviancy to their partners. And we are so good at assuming responsibility and carrying the shame. They do not have to face the full truth of what they are and what they have done so long as we carry their shame and guilt. I've done it for over three decades so I am preaching at myself more than at anyone else.

    You have been deceived and betrayed by someone who is a masterful deceiver--there is no way you could have known because he is that good at hiding. So let yourself off the hook for his crimes and begin to see yourself for what you really are: a resilient, beautiful, worthy human being who was duped by a great con man.

    Prayers and hugs,
    Brenda

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  10. I discovered child porn on my husband's Pc and reported it to the police. I am devastated, feeling numb and sick. We have only been together for 4years, he told the police he's been looking at this sort of stuff for 10+ years. I cannot begin to find the words which express how I feel. I have a teenage daughter, I work in children's Safeguarding. I'd known for about a year that our relationship wasn't good, but had absolutely no idea what he was up to.

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    1. Dear Anonymous,

      I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing--you are right, there simply are no words to express the devastation a partner feels. I believe you. You may feel that no one does but I do. All I can offer in the way of comfort is that you are not alone, you are not responsible and you could do nothing to stop it. I can also promise that this is not the end of your story--you are stronger than you think and more resilient than you believe. You will survive this and even thrive again, though it certainly does not feel like it at the moment.

      Thanks for stopping by.

      Hugs,
      Brenda

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  11. Are there any local support groups in areas? I live in Reno, Nv. I found out a month ago that my husband of 6 six years had been molesting my teen daughters (his stepkids) for 2 plus years. There are a ton of grey areas in everyones story and i still dont know the entire story. I moved to Reno to get my kids out of Washington State (we are now living my ex). I have my girls in counseling - since my husband nearly dies last year due to medical issues - and i loved him so very much - i am having a very hard time with all of this. I know i will never get back together with him, but i still feel guilty and responsible for leaving him high and dry and to fend for himself. I really need other people that understand this level of betrayal. It would have been much easier if i caught him cheating with another woman.

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    1. I can only too well relate to your story as i too was with my live in boyfriend of 7 yrs whom sexually abused both of my younger children aged 10 (m) & 8 (f) since my daughter was five yrs old. I was so in love with him i now have no contact with him as u chose not too but to have what we once had is a known fact of the enevitable. Through gut instinct i took my children and myself away from his torturous actions of them being abused immorally and me being abused physically and we haven't looked back.. but the fact we are still recovering from this he has not been charged and the shame of knowing what he did and not being able to overcome his minipulation and defiance against me i too wish he had just cheated as it would agreeably be so much easier to recover from.

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  12. Dear Friend,

    I am so sorry that you are in this nightmare and I completely resonate with your feeling that it would have been easier had he cheated with another woman. The betrayal you have experienced is profound (see Patrick Carnes "Betrayal Bonds"). The issues you face are multi-faceted: helping your daughters heal--kudos for getting them into counseling; your marriage (i.e. legal status, divorce?); his criminal charges, etc. But please remember, you did not cause this, you could not cure it and you certainly cannot control it. You did not leave him "high and dry," he left you--long before you were even aware.

    I do not know of recovery groups in the Reno area, however, have been tremendously helped by S-Anon, a 12-step recovery group for partners/friends of sex addicts. They do not currently have a meeting in Reno but you can check with the two groups listed below about an on-line or telephone meeting.

    sanon@serenitysite.org Sacramento
    sanon@sanon.org Las Vegas

    Please be gentle with yourself and find help for yourself. A CSAT therapist became a God-send to me because she understood the unique dynamics of marriage to a pedophile. You can find a CSAT here: http://www.iitap.com/promote-your-services/sex-therapist-directory

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  13. To all going through this, were there any signs? A gut feeling, something seeming to be just a little off? What would you tell people to look for?

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  14. Hi Anonymous, thank you for stopping by. I think some of us may have had a gut feeling that something was off but it was offset by the charm, reasonable explanations and/or status of the pedophile. They are incredibly gifted at appearing normal, safe and successful. If we knew, we would leave and report them. Brenda

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  15. I am posting this as anonymous so it doesn't show up in google searches... 5 years later people still get a thrill out of looking me up and finding fault in something I have said. But I don't make a habit of being silent.

    My name is Chandra. Finding your blog this morning was an awakening I have needed for a very long time.

    5 years ago November 4th the FBI, state police and Homeland Security showed up at my door. We were days away from our 9th wedding anniversary. I was mildly happy. I knew something was up with him, something was off, but I am from the south and you stick by your husband. You work it out, no matter what it takes, divorce is the absolute last resort. Divorce was an easy decision upon finding out he had been under investigation for months for downloading and distributing child pornography.

    The next day my eldest daughter (my older daughter and son were his step-children) disclosed he had been abusing her for years. The day after that my son disclosed the same. In the years since all of this happened I lost everything. I lost my way of living, my community, friends, family, and even the daughter I shared with him. (his parents got custody... even though they were paying for his defense. I know it doesn't make any sense... I have never even been accused of abuse, but they got custody and now I am no longer allowed to even see photos of her). Both of my children have attempted suicide and nearly succeeded. Twice I have sat for weeks in an ICU praying to every deity I knew of to save my child. Thankfully, they were both spared. He abused me too, but that feels so trivial compared to what they have gone through.

    I have tried doing therapy for years, but I keep running into the same things. Either they don't believe that so much bad stuff could happen to a single person or when I tell them I see the light go out in their eyes. I end up apologizing the ones that can't really handle it. I don't want to be responsible for someone else's nightmares. I have enough of my own to deal with.

    So here I am, no therapist and drowning. The first few years were all about the kids, their treatments, their therapy, the trial, dealing with his family, a custody battle, moving 1000 miles away... and now nothing. The kids are better and we are settled in, so it's hitting me full force. The distractions are gone so I have to face it, I have to grieve and go through all the emotions I was able to escape being so busy. I need help dealing with this overwhelming wave of emotion and have no one I trust enough with it.

    Now that I have typed out a novel, I am going to the website you provided up there ^^^. Thank you for this blog. Just thank you.

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  16. Hi Chandra,

    Thank you for stopping by and for offering such kind words.

    You have certainly been through hell and it makes sense that you are just now beginning to deal with the fallout of your betrayal. I am sorry that you have had a difficult time finding a therapist and encourage you to check out the website listed above for finding a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist who works with partners of pedophiles. I also encourage you to find your nearest S-Anon group and attend. While most of the women (and men) that I have met in S-Anon are married to addicts who are not necessarily involved with child porn or who are pedophiles, the principles of recovery are the same. S-Anon and good therapy were life-savers for me.

    I encourage you to grieve but do so with support. This type of betrayal goes very, very deep and the grief can be overwhelming, as you know. I spent months grieving and working towards recovery and it was the best investment in my future, as well as that of my kids, that I could make.

    This is a big deal and you are far stronger than you think you are. You are part of a growing group of women who find out that the man they married has a deep, dark and devastating secret. It is not a group you willingly or knowingly joined but I hope you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  17. Hello
    I divorced my husband of 15 years because he admitted he had been viewing internet porn of underage girls throughout the whole of our relationship. He repeatedly ran away, and openly lied, he was manipulative, blaming and secretive and I'm glad I don't have to put up with him anymore, I have neither seen nor heard from him personally since 2012, however I am still so angry and I wish him so much harm that it is ruining my life. I have been under a number of counsellors, but I never really feel comfortable enough to explore the issue and drop out saying I am fine and dealing with it, but I'm not - I am drowning in frustrated anger and shame at not going to the police about him.
    I hear he has a new wife and moved her to a remote place in Scotland - which I really didn't want to know - presumably he is isolating her with his self-pity, as he did with me before he actually admitted his crimes. I want to warn her, but know he will denounce me as insane - which he frequently did to me when we were married, I think it's called 'gaslighting'. In any case, I want to expunge him from my thoughts, not get into feeding my feelings of revenge...
    How can I move forward - I don't seem able to connect with people anymore and I really want to break free and have a good life - i am in my 50s so I feel my life is running out. I don't know what I expect from writing this comment, but I am turning circles and need to do something.

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  18. Hi Anonymous,
    Thank you for stopping by. I am so sorry that you experienced such a profound betrayal. And it is a very profound betrayal--don't underestimate that. I found that the only way through this is through it. There is no shortcut around or under or over it. I'm not sure where you live but in the States, a Certified Sex Abuse Therapist (CSAT)is an excellent resource that I still use. A CSAT therapist, particularly one who has experience working with partners of pedophiles, cuts through a lot of the shame, secrecy and rejection that we feel as the partner.

    I also found participating in S-Anon, a 12-step group for partners of those with sexual addictions or compulsions, was also very healing. The thing we want to do--isolate--is the thing we can't do if we want to heal. And yet, it isn't safe to talk about this with just anyone. So few get it and unfortunately, the tendency of society is to blame the partner. We got enough of that from our spouse! And we blame ourselves--the last thing we need is more blame.

    This is not the end of your story. You are my age--there is still a lot of life yet to be lived and this can be the best part of life. I challenge you to find someone to walk this out with you--it is too overwhelming to do it alone. Find one or two trusted individuals, professional and personally and turn and face it. You are far stronger than you think, you are more resilient than you believe, and you have value beyond the stars! This was a terrible thing but there is life and happiness on the other side of it.

    I believe in you and I know you can do this.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  19. Day 2 of my new hell...haven't slept in almost 3 days. About a year ago my then 14 yr old daughter ran away from home. We were set to move that weekend from the town that had been her home for 6 yrs. she didn't want to go. After searching frantically for hours she was finally found by the police and my husband and I went to pick her up. At the station, they pulled me aside and said that she had stated threat my husband, her step father has been sexually abusing her for 4 years, mostly just advances. I couldn't believe it. I had been a stay at home mom and rarely was I not around. Due to lack of evidence after 6 months the case was dropped.imy daughter and I were in counseling and my husband was not in the home. I just couldn't believe it, so I stuck by him. We gradually brought him back into the home. It was awkward. I told my daughter that I would keep aware and vigilant for her. I wasn't sure she was lying but I wasn't sure he was telling the truth. I just didn't know. So here we are, about a year later. At midnight this past Sunday, my daughter walks into my room and wakes me up. Her step father had come into her room while she was sleeping. She told him to leave and came to me. He was silent as he stood there. She went to bed and I told him to come outside with me. No sooner than we were out the door he confessed. He said he loved her but not the way he should. He couldn't explain it and knows that it's sick, but he claims his mind was telling him that she was attracted to him and so he got a rush from the pursuit. He is a veteran, has ptsd and claims he started feeling this way towards her after his first deployment in 2011. He claims he was never aggressive just suggestive. But knows he was wrong. I kicked him out and he said he was going to get help. I'm broken. I let my daughter down, didn't believe her fully and kept him in her life for a year after she attempted to tell. My son is wondering where daddy is. (Step, but only one he knows) I'm sickened by his behavior, and while I want to think that he truly has remorse I can't comprehend it. She was/is a child. My child. I don't know where to turn, she was almost taken from me last year and I'm scared to loose her. He keeps trying to reach out to me by phone to apologize and I am still in shock. I've taken half of our savings for myself and am looking into my options. He has been the main breadwinner for our 9yr relationship and I have just stared working in the past 6 months. I have called off work this week. But I don't know what to do, where to turn or how to even begin. Thank you for letting me get some of this out.

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  20. Dear Anonymous,
    I am so sorry--and I know that doesn't begin to cover what you are experiencing. I am truly sorry. Please don't beat yourself up--you took action when you knew but you also gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now you are advocating for your children again. Have you reported this to the police? I would encourage you to think of that--kind of get ahead of it and self-report, which may put you in a better place in terms of retaining custody. I can't be certain of that and you probably should consult an attorney just to be safe.

    Protecting your children is your first priority but you must also care for your broken and betrayed heart. It is kind of like putting the oxygen mask on yourself before you place it on your children. If you don't survive, they will be left to the mercy of a predator. So get support for you. S-Anon, a CSAT therapist, trusted family member or friend--tell someone. Refuse to keep this secret for him. He did this, you did not. The shame and guilt belong to him, not to you.

    It doesn't matter that he has PTSD (and I totally understand the impact of trauma on people, both in and out of the military), it doesn't matter that he says nothing happened, just "suggestions." He will lie, minimize, deny and distort to save himself. And, he will throw anyone under the bus that he needs to so I'm sorry, but you've got to think and fight like a man.

    Pedophilia doesn't go away; it can't be cured and it is difficult to contain. That is the truth of what you are facing and while I know your head gets it, your heart still loves this man. You are being proactive (taking the savings, etc.); just keep going in that vein. You are smart and you can do this.

    If you want to email me, we can continue this conversation in a less public forum. My email is at the top right-hand column of the home page.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  21. Hi, I'm a 42 yr old mother of 2. My husband and I had been together 12 yrs and married for 9. Last November I suffered a brain hemmorrage and was lucky to pull through. I had been home from hospital for 4 days, (our relationship had been crumbling for a while) when police raided our home on suspicions of illicit images and allegations of child sex abuse. The social workers were ready to take my children away and initially I was also arrested. They took my husband and all digital storage devices, thankfully my children stayed with their grandpar ents. 2 days later I was told that he had been charged with downloading and sharing child porn and also inappropriately touching my daughter's best friend. Since that day it's as if we've been living someone else's nightmare. We've had to find a new home, he's taken everything away from us. I have such mixed emotions about it all, guilt, shame, anger, sadness its unbearable. Whilst on bail he attempted suicide and was rushed to intensive care, I wanted to go finish him off. My children are 10 and 6. My daughter understands more than her younger brother and is torn with feelings for her dad whereas my son is grieving his sudden absence. I'm still in recovery from brain surgery but try to stay strong. My husband is being held in custody and awaiting sentencing, we are divorcing and I'm not sure whether he deserves contact with his children, who weren't harmed, when he eventually gets released. I'm out of my depth and just about keeping my head above water.

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  22. Dear "Unknown,"
    You may be unknown to me but you are not unknown to the Higher Power, God, the Universe, whatever you choose to call Him. Your tears are not unknown, your pain is not unknown and you are not alone. This is a betrayal and trauma of unimaginable proportions--no one can fathom it unless they have been through it. I am so sorry for your pain--for your children's pain--for all that you have lost. I know that pain--I really do.

    I can't promise you that it will get better right away or that you have hurt all that you will. I don't know the end but I do know that this isn't the end of your story. I do know that it will get better and that you will be ok. Your children will be ok and divorcing him is the best gift you can give to yourself and to them.

    If you want to email me, my address is on the home page. I'd welcome communicating with you in that fashion.

    Hang on!

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  23. I am destroyed my story begins long ago....my name is Ebony although I chose to input anonymous......I never noticed any inapporpiate behavior between Daniel and Reyanna but it wasnt until after his death in 2010 almost a year and a half later it was revealed that he had been molesting my oldest daughter from the age of 8-10...she was caught preforming a sex act on a young boy outside which brought how she learned of such a behavior in question. Reyanna was not very forth coming with details and was confused about the timelines rightfully ao becauae she was so young....I then began talking to her frequently about appropiate behavior between male adults and children. But before the abuse was discovered I spent a year alone after the death of my husband and I was lonely wanting companionship..I encounted Matthew he seemed so cool...so smart...I decided to talk over the phone we also exchanged social media profiles... I began to talk with him frequently we shared so much in common TV Shows, Movies, Sushi and so much more...he told me he had been married and that his wife was also deceased as well as he had a deceased child....I researched or so I thought his social media page which included letters about his dead daughter and how life was beating him up....Stories seem to correlate.....We would talk for hours then we would meet in parking lots to talk...I really enjoyed his company...

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  24. (Please add to previous comment)..I checked for for him on the sexual offender registry and even checked his criminal record which was all accounted for...I felt as if I had done some due diligence...he was colorful but he was angry at times...although he never got physical he would often argue and threaten to leave in which I never wanted him to do...I was scared to raise the children alone and after a shooting I didnt feel safe without him around...at this time I didnt witness anything eyebrow raising it wasnt until we moved back into his family home that thing became a little more volatile. Reyanna stole a cell phone of his and recorded videos and pictures of her masturbating and naked body pics...he retrieved this phone and viewed the items..I dont know how long he had the phone before he exposed the situation to me...this was after other occassions of her acting out..I tried to talk to her tell her it wasnt her fault and she was a victim and that she has been raped and abuse and that the love of a real father wouldnt come with that...Matthew them proclaimed he would show her a real father as a man who didnt sleep with her to give her affections. I thought the gesture was admirable...I thought he loved us...he would often ask to speak to her alone in which I said that wasnt appropiate due to her situation and I didnt sant things to get confusing for her...he assured me that he was a real man but complied intially...we had our own child and even then he often was angry agruing about small things and blaming the kids for everything.

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  25. (Please add to previous comment)But he always apologized, gave me gifts, made love to me often, made me feel like a woman. He often told me I was a bad judge of character biy was he right....Reyanna has been in therapy and inpatient programs to help her deal with her sexual abuse and behaviors that have almost cost her, her life. Matthew seemed on board with all the help she needed, they would text and he would say that she just wanted to talk to her Dad..I thoughy it was sweet...but then was revealed a twitter account that was supposedly hacked by Matthew revealing Reyanna proclaiming that she would have sex with Matthew and how fine he was!! I was disgusted and hurt, I was confused he even remarked that I am going to pull bsck from her because I dont want to be accused of anything. I often asked Reyanna if Matthew was doing or had done anything sexual to her or made her do anything....she would always say he only is like a real father to me...He would go through her things and find notes about her feelings and report to me. I told him hey I dont think you should do that, he would say I just want to help her. We would even argue about how I should whip her or punish her harshly to help her learn in whicb I wojld reply that she is sick and I continued with inpatient programs, and therapy even medication.

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  26. (Please add to previous comment)..once the abuse was revealed Reyanna began to act out sexually she was masturbating, stealing phones and calling older men, talking frequently in notes about sex...I decided she needed professional help...but before that happened we moved back into his family home...Matthew assured me that I could trust him we talked frequently about how I thought we both felt about pedophiles....Matthew exclaimed alot about his past including world travels, gang life, past engagements...I checked for for him on the sexual offender registry and even checked his criminal record which was all accounted for...I felt as if I had done some due diligence...he was colorful but he was angry at times...although he never got physical he would often argue and threaten to leave in which I never wanted him to do...I was scared to raise the children alone and after a shooting I didnt feel safe without him around...at this time I didnt witness anything eyebrow raising it wasnt until we moved back into his family home that thing became a little more volatile. Reyanna stole a cell phone of his and recorded videos and pictures of her masturbating and naked body pics...he retrieved this phone and viewed the items..I dont know how long he had the phone before he exposed the situation to me...this was after other occassions of her acting out..I tried to talk to her tell her it wasnt her fault and she was a victim and that she has been raped and abuse and that the love of a real father wouldnt come with that...Matthew them proclaimed he would show her a real father as a man who didnt sleep with her to give her affections. I thought the gesture was admirable...I thought he loved us...he would often ask to speak to her alone in which I said that wasnt appropiate due to her situation and I didnt sant things to get confusing for her...he assured me that he was a real man but complied intially...we had our own child and even then he often was angry agruing about small things and blaming the kids for everything. But he always apologized, gave me gifts, made love to me often, made me feel like a woman. He often told me I was a bad judge of character biy was he right....Reyanna has been in therapy and inpatient programs to help her deal with her sexual abuse and behaviors that have almost cost her, her life. Matthew seemed on board with all the help she needed, they would text and he would say that she just wanted to talk to her Dad..I thoughy it was sweet...but then was revealed a twitter account that was supposedly hacked by Matthew revealing Reyanna proclaiming that she would have sex with Matthew and how fine he was!! I was disgusted and hurt, I was confused he even remarked that I am going to pull bsck from her because I dont want to be accused of anything.

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  27. (Please add to previous comment I often asked Reyanna if Matthew was doing or had done anything sexual to her or made her do anything....she would always say he only is like a real father to me...He would go through her things and find notes about her feelings and report to me. I told him hey I dont think you should do that, he would say I just want to help her. We would even argue about how I should whip her or punish her harshly to help her learn in whicb I wojld reply that she is sick and I continued with inpatient programs, and therapy even medication. I though he love them and me...but now some things are becoming clear....Yesterday at around 2:00am...he said he was going to check on the area due to a beep in our security system...afte a while like 20 minutes or so I texted him sweet what nots because I thought he was tending to our brand new puppies....he never said anything to the contrary...we remained in contact over the course of an hour in which he said he needed to tell me something...he

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  28. (please add to previous comment asked me to opem the garage at 4:59 with Reyanna in tow...Once in the vehicle Matthew revealed he had slapped her and hit the young man after he stole his clothes and broke his phones. My mother showed up and I went to another with Matthew to talk he said he felt like a failure and maybe it was him and that he made it worse....I thought he was usin depressive behavior to get attention from me he did that alot...once the car was towed we arrived home and I consiled him some more he proclaimed his eternal love he went outside to move my mothers car and hell spilled into my life...once outside I learned from my mother that Matthew had been molesting Reyanna the entire time we lived in this house..3 1/2 years, 2 kids and wedding later...he of course said he would never, did never...it was then revealed that he found her and her boyfriend and videotaped them preforming sexual acts on one another and then beat them both with a 2 by 4 plank of wood...I asked Reyanna all the time she never said a word to me or 4 therapists...he was arrested on the scene in front of the home we shared that I though was filled with love but was actually filled with lies and disgust... in an instance the love of my life became the worst man I had ever known....once he was arrested Reyanna began to discuss in detail how the abuse began and how she felt about it...they had sex all over the house even my bedroom and abandoned houses, she even said she was pregnant at one time....she also said that she like liked him, and she enjoyed being with him and she didnt tell because she loved himeto much to put him in trouble, in private he would treat her the way he treated me....and after all that has happened I think back and say this makes sense now but before I didnt have proof and he had reasonable excuses for why he did things. And I asked her all the time begged her to tell me anything but didnt want to force her to say something that she didnt want to...i begged before the wedding and I thought she would tell me she promised bug she feel in love with my husband and he told he that he was helping her and after that last rape he told her it was her last piece of medicine. DISGUSTING SCUMBAG, I gave hime everything I trusted him but overall I trusted my daughter...now I have legal proceddings and children that ask about their Dad, who I now hate and miss at the same time...how could he do this to her to me? Why would he hurt our family so bad after knowing what happened? I was there for him always and he treated my daughter and I like shit...now my life is yet again in ruins behind a man..all the while I just wanted a family for my children...why did they pick me? My kids? Is it because Im full figured? Did they hate us that much? Why wouldnt they just leave? These men have driven a mountain between me and my daughter and I know we will never be the same because I feel betrayed by her too even though she is a victim.... she said she liked him and the sex and she wanted to be with him....I also have not worked since finding out about the abuse because I didnt want to leave me children with anyone to avoid this and it happened anyway...i feel lost, ashamed , disgraced, disgusting and unloved but most of all hatred towards the men that stole my daughter and my soul...help me please

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  29. Dear Anonymous,

    I am so sorry for the pain of betrayal and rejection that you are feeling. You were targeted by two highly skilled and manipulative perpetrators. These guys are able to fool most people so don't beat yourself up for falling for their story lines.

    Right now as you sift through the debris of what was once your life and marriage, remember the three C's--you did not cause this could not control it and certainly could never cure it. Your responsibility now is to yourself first and then to your children. Yourself first--put that oxygen mask on and take good care of yourself--get into therapy, into S-Anon, find helpful support--so that you can then take care of your children. They need a healthy and present parent and you can do that.

    It will get better--you have a long road ahead of you but it will get better. But you cannot travel this road alone--surround yourself with helpful, healthy people who can help both you and your children find safety and healing.

    You are not alone.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  30. hi I was married to my ex for 20 years to find out by the police that he had sexually asulted his neeces��, 3 different girls and also a young lad. I want to let all the family know as i have a letter stating this happened from the courts.......can I show them this and no get in trouble ??

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  31. hi , I found out I was married to a pedophile for 20 years , my family don't know and I have evidence that he is from the court showing he was convicted of being involved with his neeces 😢 will I get done for showing the evidence to them as I don't think they believe me

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  32. Hi, so here goes my story... I married my husband 35 years ago. He was my first serious boyfriend and I thought my best friend. He was socially awkward and didn't have a lot of friends. He was in the military and seemed manly strong and protective. I had grown up in a back water town and moved to the area not to long before. I had few friends and was already isolated, I was the perfect target. To make things worse, I was in love. I was 19 and he 21 and he romanced me. He was my first and only lover. We married and had our first child 6 weeks before he was posted 500 miles away from my family. So we all moved to a new home where I didn't know anyone, had no car, no money and a foot of snow outside. Things were turbulent between us, a lot of fighting and crying. It was tough. Everything you read says things can be hard for the first while with a new baby... Now I'm just starting to see what he did to me. He told me he would have me locked up so I would never see my baby again... When I would break down he would be my best friend again. That's what they do, they break you and then save you. You become dependent on them for your self esteem. During the height of our fights he would yell in my face... You can't cut me off, you don't know where I'm getting it from. I thought he was having an affair. That's what you think, you never jump to pedophile. I got a job and was working shifts. Things seemed better, of course I didn't realize he had easy access to my daughter. I can only say I questioned him once. He had my 2 year old girl on his lap and his pants undone. He said he had eaten to much and had to undo them. Seemed reasonable so I believed him. We continued to have Sex although without the passion we'd had. There is something that I now see in hindsight that I didn't see then. I will mention it so others will know to look. He adjusts his penis whenever he has a child on his lap or in his arms. He told me that he did this so they wouldn't hurt him. I now know it was because he ALWAYS gets an erection. Time went by and we had 2 more girls. In hindsight I can see our relationship was hard whenever we had toddlers. I now know this is the age he likes. I thought it was normal family pressure at the time. somehow we kept going and the girls grew up. My eldest married and had twins, boys. She asked me to babysit for her when she went back to work. My husband was in IT and started spending a lot of time on the computer. As a consultant he sets his own hours and began to spend a lot of time home. The boys would toddle down the hall to see him when I was busy. I had no idea what he was doing. I would put them down for a nap and run to the corner store while they slept. I only did this a couple of times and they were always awake when I came back. I couldn't see why. I continued oblivious to what was happening till one day while I cooked their breakfast I walked down the hall and caught him. He was lying on the bed with the twins beside talking them into kissing his penis. I went into shock. I stood there and couldn't move. He saw me and yanked the covers up. I think he figured I hadn't seen because he started talking to the boys telling them how wonderful they are. Grooming as it's called. The shock made me block it out for months.

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    1. Dear Anonymous,
      I am so sorry for the pain this horrendous betrayal has created for you and your children. Hindsight is always 20/20 but that is little comfort, I'm afraid. Thanks for stopping by.
      Hugs,
      Brenda

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  33. When it started to come back. It did so in bits. It was confusing and so I would ask him about the things I was dreaming and thinking. Obviously I had alerted him. He distanced himself from the boys. When it finally all came back I remember collapsing on the floor in tears. I some how convinced him to see a councillor, but all he did was lie. I threw him out and called the police. Unfortunately the timing meant the boys had forgotten. They are only toddlers. The police refused to investigate, my word is not enough. He took every cent out of the bank and changed every password on every account. Now it gets really hard. We no longer live in the same house. The house I'm in is in renovation. If I am nice he will pay the bills and work on the house. If not it will be a very short time till I live in my car with my youngest daughter and 2 dogs. I have no support here and am isolated and can't find work as a 55 year old. Also for them finding a new target is as easy as RSVP , single moms welcome. He started seeing someone and within a short time she was calling saying she loved him. She is a nurse in Warnambool and I know she would never believe me if I told her. The only thing I could do is tell him I wanted him back. I feel sick. My stomach hurts and each day is hard. I really don't know what I'm doing... Thanks for listening.







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    1. So the police will not help me, the medical community will not help me and if I push him out he will find another target in minutes. The nurse has grown kids at the age to have children of their own. If he ingratiates himself he will place himself in a position to reoffend. That means the 3 C's can not work... I did not cause this, I can not cure this and I can not contain this...
      I am the only one who has any chance of containing this. I know what this means. I will give up any chance at my own happiness in order to try to protect other people's children. I may not be able to contain him completely, but if can save one child... I also know what they will say. She knew what he was and she stayed, she's an enabler.
      I'm 55 years old and don't have much of a future anyway, who else will do it. What else can I do. I seem to have no way out.

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    2. Dear Anonymous,
      I've been thinking of how I could possibly respond to the sense of desperation and despair that I hear in your post and it came to me this morning. I spent over 3 decades trying to keep the pedophile in my life on the straight and narrow. I tried everything that I knew to do to keep him happy and to keep other children safe. It did not work. And it won't work for you either.

      You cannot contain this--predators are able to offend in a crowd, in plain sight. And if after sacrificing your life in the attempt to contain him, he offends, what then? It is a horrible thing to let go--it is terrifying because of the potential ramifications. But please consider it. Don't waste your life and happiness trying to contain something that cannot be contained. You have a lot of life to live yet. My own world exploded when I was your age and I'm here to affirm that there is joy and happiness on the other side of this relationship. Don't consign yourself to this prison--it is not worth it.

      And when he does reoffend, you are placing yourself in a very precarious legal position. Get out and let go. Let me gallop off to the disaster that is awaiting him.

      Hugs,
      Brenda

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    3. Desperation and despair... I see it as well. I have even driven my car down the road, away from others and screamed as loud as hell. I thought the thing to do would be see a shrink to help me sort it out. I saw a woman as I thought she would be more understanding. I was wrong. On the third visit she said to me you've been in denial for a long time. I said no you don't understand... I really didn't know! She said, of course you did, you just can't admit it. It just doesn't seem like it would make a difference what I do now. I am viewed as guilty. My eldest daughter... Mother of the boys, said she will never speak to me again as long as she lives and I will never see my grandkids again. This was what she said to me the night I turned him into the police. I haven't seen her since. I am already paying for his crimes. My female friends all sit around and discuss how you can be blindsided when a spouse fools around. Then they talk about the wives of pedophiles and how they always know. He is the only one that doesn't pay for what he's done. He even got a man falsely accused and fired. It was before I knew. He was called in to work to search the company server for something. He was very grumpy and all he would say is , let's just say the guy doesn't get along with women. The man was fired. 6 months later he brought a law suit for wrongful termination, it's still pending. The only other person with access is of course, the IT guy, my husband. Yes I also told this to the police. Still not enough evidence. Know one wants to believe me and even if they do, they believe somehow I am to blame. I gave everything to my girls and grandkids and love them dearly. I'm so destroyed... The funny thing is, he's the only one that tells me it will be alright. I seriously believe he is mentally ill. This is so scary.

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    4. Please find an S-Anon group in your area for support. Also, as I am sure you are aware, not all therapists are the same. Try to find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) as soon as possible. You need support and care that is trauma-informed and from sources that understand the nature of sex addiction and pedophilia.

      If you spend what is left of your life trying to keep tabs on this predator to keep him from re-offending and he does anyway (as most are prone to do), what then? What have you gained? There is hope and healing but you have to search for it.

      Hugs,
      Brenda

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  34. Brenda, you need to change the information in your meta tags. This site is extremely hard to find and doesn't come up in most searches. You have no idea how wonderful it is to find you. You are a God send. Reading I'm not alone has saved me. Much love.

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  35. I have been married for 14 years to the man I thought was my best friend and soul mate. We were high school sweet hearts. We enjoyed each other's company, had what seemed like a healthy sex life, and I was happy. But then one Friday afternoon I received a call from the police instructing me to meet them at the home of my oldest daughter's friend. There I was informed that my oldest daughter, his BIOLOGICAL daughter, had reported ongoing sexual abuse. Since then, my husband has been arrested on 52 counts of rape and assault. I have learned that the abuse occurred several times per week over the course of about four years. He is now incarcerated awaiting trial and I have moved back to my hometown with my three daughters. Although it appears from the outside like we are recovering and moving on, the raw pain has diminished very little since the first horrifying days of this nightmare. I can cry at the drop of a hat anywhere, anytime. My two oldest daughters are in counseling, but I and my youngest are on a waiting list with a local nonprofit. I've been offered some other names so I'll be calling around to find a counselor for us this week. In the meantime, I am so very grateful for this forum. I feel very alone in this. This is not like a divorce and not like a death. It is something very different. I don't hate him, and I feel guilty for that. I hate what he did to my dauhghter, but I never saw that side of him. He was my friend and lover. I worry about his safety in prison. At first, I was willing to speak to him on the phone but after the first month I decided that wasn't helping me. But I miss him. I wish I could just dismiss him like so many others have done, but it's not that simple. I am just trying to keep my mind focused on helping my daughter heal and my other daughters cope with losing their father, but I am lonely and very sad and struggling so much myself. I have friends and family, but they just cant really help even though they try. The only light I can see is a vague sense that God is in this working something out that I just can't understand yet.

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    1. Dear Anonymous,
      You are not alone in this pain, confusion and loss. You are right--this is far worse that death or divorce. You cannot just move on without grieving the losses--a pedophile steals your future but he also has stolen your past. All of the memories that you have now need to be re-evaluated in light of what you have learned. It is grueling and unless you have experienced it, you cannot possibly understand the depth of the pain or betrayal.

      But I can tell you that it does get better. I realized the other day that I rarely think about my ex now. And when he does come to mind, I no longer feel overwhelming emotions. It just is a part of my past but it no longer defines my future. My newly constituted family (kids, grandkids and a new husband) and I just returned from a family camping trip to the beach. As I welcomed the dawn with my one-year old granddaughter, I felt a twinge of sadness that I wasn't sharing these wonderful gifts to our family with my ex-husband but an immediate feeling of gratitude swept in like the waves on the nearby shore--these precious girls would be in danger were their bio-grandfather present. They are no longer in danger.

      Hang in there, find some support and trust the process that will gently take you to healing.

      Hugs,
      Brenda

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  36. I am nearly 6 years down the line from the day the earth stood still for me in the UK. I haven't been able to find any support for wives in all that time & guess what?! All I had to do is Google & you were the first name to come up!!! I'm going to have a good think before I write anything else but glad I've found somewhere to express my feelings & pain. I had been marries 33 years

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  37. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  38. Dear Maz,
    I'm glad you found us. Feel free to post again. BTW, I was married to my pedophile for 33 years as well.

    Brenda

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  39. Brenda
    Thank you for your work in this blog. My word how could I have been sssoooo stupid. There are so many women out hete that have been manipulated by theses master preditors. Im questing why...why was i staying with him for 18 yrs when hugh signs wete dlapped in my face. He was arrested 4 different times for exposing his errect penis to high school girls. We had the worst sex life he was a man that never needed or wanted sex with me very abnormal for a man. But i allowed him to control my tjought as to ehy all thede things were happing. In the beginning yhe firest the he assured me it was because he was a former drug addict and that because he had quite drinking cold turkey his brain was not working properly he begged me to help him not leave him. I took the bate. He was my best friend my husband my lover. So it began....him manipulating me our kids our councilor our pastor our extended family the police for 17 long yrs. Renting hookers living every available minute on porn. Molesting my niece which as not brought to the surface til 15yr later. I could ho on an on about things that were happening he would assure me everything was ok he needed me and being a christian woman couldnt leave him after all being a christian i was to help him not throw him to the curb. Finally i took my kids an left for a year. Court battles over just my daughter 3yr old not our 11yr old son. Weird i thought things began to clear up i coukd see what was happening. I reflected back over the 15 years of misdeads of him an realized this was not adult porn affairs drugs and alcohol i was looking for but the most sinister of all things this guy is a PEDIFILE....next the ciurts tell me he can have my daughter on weekend no over nights!!!! Iur son was 12 he couldnt be expected to protect his sister from being a victim nir wad it his place. I prayed i tried to figure out how i coukd stop my husband from being alone with our daughter after all she is the only one he is fighting for.

    I had no proof that i could use besides what i had alreafy provided the court with still he is alone with my daughter for 10 hr a day overy othet wkend.

    We began talking. Looking nack now i see he played me. He played nice went to church and so on. Knowing who and what he is i had tismake a quick decision. So i did.

    It was my thought that it was best to friends close an enemys closer.

    He moved in with us. My tjought was i coukd keep my daughter save this was the only was. Plus i wanted our pretend marriage the good parts. Little did i know those times were only when he was sucking me back into his strangle hold i was getting away.

    18 months later....i was able to confiscate his phone and open it. All of his true evil spuded out.

    Drug using selling taking our now 7 yr old daughter on drug deals having sex with women calling names running me down but finally the BOMB the one i was worried about but didnt have evidence for.....child porn.....my heart sank i cried for these beautiful victims small children imahes downloaded i was sick i cried for theses innocent children. I immedently contacted the icac internet crimes againest children. Theres one in every state.

    The warrant is issued hes on the run. My divorce will be final 12 15 16.

    We r in counseling making sure he had not molested my daughter. As fir our son now 16 his daddy did him one last favior, im dure its not the last, contacted my son 17 yr old girl friend and asked her if they could hook up. Just so happend my son was with her and messagef him back and said "dad you r being a pervert again!!! Which hiscdad repky back this is his sister pretending to be sister. Because he has a pprotective order with no contact to us. Then he messahes his son and says remember hes pretending to be his sister now, "well at least he meanibg himself likes girls unlike what we have heard about you"

    The men are such narcissistic master manipulators they will detroy what ever it takes to keep the game miving forward....God help us all to GET AWAY from them

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  40. Dear Anonymous,

    I am so sorry that you and your children experienced the pain of living with this monster but am so happy you are free.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  41. I too unknowingly married a pedophile/child molester. Somedays, I feel like the grief so too much to bare. L~

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  42. Dear Leah,
    I am so sorry--this is a brutal experience, nothing else like it. You are stronger than you think you are and there are many of us standing with you.

    Hugs
    Brenda

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    1. Thank you Brenda. I needed those encouraging words this morning.

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  43. Greetings, sisters in pain! It’s oddly reassuring to see so many of us willing to share our experiences of shock and loss and sorrow, especially given that society as a whole denies us any right to feel hurt at all, and often blames us as accessories. (Which is just abysmally stupid, when you look at it logically. How many times is a woman shocked at the news that her husband has been having an affair? More often than not the news comes out when he tells her their marriage is over or he does something insanely stupid like leaving his email open. Yet no one tells her that “she should have known” or that she “aided and abetted” his affair. Because everyone recognises she has been lied to and she is a victim in that scenario. In the situation we are in, how much more secretive is the husband going to be? Factor of ten, minimum. That husband isn’t leaving his email open for you to read. The first thing most of us know about it is the knock on your bedroom window by the police, telling you to get up. Suddenly you’re facing the loss of everything AND a criminal case - how much more worthy of the right to feel shock, loss and sorrow can you get?)
    (Just as a BTW, the police were exceedingly pleasant and kind to me. I’ve got no gripes about their behaviour or the behaviour of prison staff that I have interacted with. Professional, competent, and surprisingly kind.)
    So you’ve discovered your husband is a pedophile. I’ve been living this reality for a few years now, so I want you to take my advice as your bossy but loving big sister who is telling you that things get easier.
    The first thing I want you to do is go outside, find a patch of sunlight and green things growing, and stand there for ten minutes, feeling that sun on your face. I want you to remind yourself, over and over, that God loves you. Don’t believe in God? I don’t care. Kwan-yin loves you. The Bona Dea loves you. The Prophet Mohammed loves you. Shiva loves you. The Devas love you. The force which created the Universe, in which we spin for a few brief years on a tiny dirt ball, loves you unconditionally. I love you, the person writing this, and I’m praying for you every night (and that’s no lie; I do a rosary every night and pray for women going through what I have). So you are loved, and you need to focus hard on that for those ten minutes.
    Okay. Now breathe.

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  44. Disabuse yourself of any notion of guilt or responsibility. You did nothing wrong. “But I should have realised that he -“. No. “But if I had looked in his -“. No. What kind of marriage is built on suspicion? He has troubles getting it up sometimes? Stress can do that to a man, or illness, or weight gain, or medication, or just sometimes it doesn’t happen. (My husband never had troubles in that department.) He loves being around kids? Maybe he’s a great parent. (My husband wasn’t particularly fascinated by kids. He was (and is) fond of his children, but never sought any special ‘alone time’ with them.) He spends a lot of time on his computer? Maybe he’s into gaming. (My husband isn’t the tech junkie in our family. I am.) Basically there is no “red flag” that can’t be explained away by completely innocent behaviour, and sometimes there’s no “red flag” at all. Did you walk in on him abusing a child and did nothing? That one you need to go to counselling about, and probably the police. You’re going to have to be walked through all the conflicting feelings and reasons for your own behaviour on that one. You screwed up your duty of care, and you’re going to have to do a lot of work to make up for it. Did a child come to you and tell you that your husband had hurt him/her and you did nothing? Oh, boy. That one, again, counsellor and police. But apart from those two BIG RED FLAGS, your conscience is clean as snow. You can’t know until you have either seen or been told, and YOU didn’t harm a child.
    Hold onto that. It is the absolute truth, despite what people may try to tell you. YOU are not responsible for any other person’s actions, whether they are your husband, your father, your brother, or your candlestick maker. They have free will and they’ve exercised it. Not you.
    So now we’ve established your innocence and your complete lack of guilt in the matter, we’re down to the practical stuff.

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  45. First off: you’re probably going to be financially ruined. We were. Lost the house, lost everything. Court cases drag on for forever, and your lawyer will suck you dry. Prison costs money, for phone calls and essentials and visits. And then there’s the probability that the victim will sue your husband in a civil case afterwards (been there). Get your financial affairs sorted post haste. If you have to sell your house, you get your half of the house sale in a separate account with only your name on it. Every cost comes out of his half until he’s bled dry. Nasty but necessary. Anything he’s got is going to be gone in some way or another, whether you stay with him or not. So get your protective instincts in gear and get your financial situation as sorted as best you can as quickly as you can.
    Call me cold, but there’s a Cantonese saying, “Moh ching, moh meng.” “No money, no life.” And that’s true. Your husband might still think there’s some way he can salvage his money: there isn’t. His money is gone the minute they lay charges, and he isn’t going to get another job with the label of child sex offender trailing behind him. Stifle the screams for a bit until you get a financial buffer for you (and for your kids, if any) in place. It’s easier to scream when you aren’t homeless.
    I know that you are in shock and probably can’t stop crying right now, but you still need to do this. In the immortal words of someone on Project Runway during a team challenge when their teammate was having a stress breakdown, “I don’t care if you cry while you cut, but you have to cry AND cut.” It’s going to take years for you to get yourself back to balanced, and your finances aren’t going to wait that long.
    Next on the to-do list; do you stay with him, or do you leave? Lots of factors come into this, and that decision is purely yours. My personal decision would be that if you have children and they are in danger or under threat of being taken off you, then you have to go. First responsibility is always to your underage children. You’re their world and their safety. Being put into care is unlikely to be the security they desperately need right now. Go to the nearest women’s shelter, explain your situation, and see what resources they can suggest. Don’t be ashamed of needing help and use whatever the charities can give you. You’re in crisis, and they are there to help.

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  46. Whether you stay or leave, you are going to need a LOT of self care. Get you to a doctor and spill your guts. They may give you anti-depressants, they may refer you to a counsellor (or in my case, a pysch eval at the local hospital. The result? The attending pysch looked at me and said, “I don’t know what to tell you. You aren’t mad, you’re just really, really unhappy.” That diagnosis has made me smile for years. Sometimes you need confirmation that you haven’t gone nuts, it’s the situation that is shit). Either way, follow that up. You are going to need help, and they are the people to get it from.
    Other self-care: massage and movies. Prayer. Whatever works for you to get your head away from this issue for just a few moments is a good thing. (Not alcohol. Not non-prescribed drugs. They work... and then you have more problems added onto your existing ones. Addiction is not useful to you. You can’t afford to escape into being an addict. You have a long and happy life to chase.) I’ve always wondered about panchakarma, but never been able to afford it. Journalling your feelings and thoughts is also good. Connect with other women on the internet and share your experience (heh. But yes, this is self care for me, trying to help you because I’m further along in this than you might be. I feel better because I feel I’m possibly helping you to feel better.) But continually recapping this over and over in your mind, blaming yourself (we’ve established you aren’t to blame already, remember?) or redefending the court case to the microwave (I’ve done that for years), or obsessing... there’s a point where you start to recognise that you’re repeating a pattern not out of grief but out of habit. Let it go. It’s not useful to you. All it achieves is crying till your stomach cramps and you staring at the kitchen knife set. Sometimes you won’t be able to help yourself from doing exactly that, and so long as you don’t pick up that knife it is perfectly okay. But try to stop, when you can.

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  47. Please stop hating yourself for loving your husband. I love mine. I’m even staying with him. The years of his imprisonment have taught me a lot. I’ve met pedophiles, and murderers, and drug dealers. I’ve really learned the meaning of the parable of the prodigal son. In prison, they have sex offender programs which really do make a difference. I know this because they’ve elicited remorse in men who are never going to be eligible for parole - these guys aren’t doing it to impress a parole board. It’s very easy to see the world in black and white, but I see it now in the Grapes of Wrath terms: “Maybe there ain't no sin and there ain't no virtue, they's just what people does. Some things folks do is nice and some ain't so nice, and that's all any man's got a right to say.” Whether you leave your husband or stay with him, don’t think everything about your relationship was false.
    You are not alone. In an law review article I read, it was estimated that forty percent of children worldwide are molested. That’s a hideous number. It means, among many other horrible implications, that there are many many women in exactly the same position as us. I’ve met several women in our boat. We’re all walking through this hell together. We’ve all lost friends. Some of us have lost faith communities and family. Some of us have lost children. We’ve lost the life we’ve known, and been shunned. On a professional level - I work with children. My government checks to allow me to work with children take longer than they should because of my husband’s conviction, whether I stay with him or not. I’ve been told I can be sacked from jobs if they find out about my husband’s conviction, whether I stay with him or not. Is any of this fair? No. But it’s just life. My house could have been bombed in Syria. I could have been hit by a drunk driver and become paraplegic. Bad shit happens to good people all the time. You’re a good person. It takes a very long time, but whatever path you choose, it does get better.

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  48. Curious how one should react towards ones mother when years laters when one FINALLY plucks up the courage to tell the authorities and once it goes to court win on all counts BUT said mother STILL chooses to stay with said man (even after he is released from prison) and miss out on a relationship with only child AND 4 grandchildren the ONLY grandchildren she will have (as im her only child). Is she still a victim?

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  49. Dear Unknown,

    I am so sorry for the pain that your mother's betrayal of you has caused. I truly am. The loss is unfathomable and it just continues. Unfortunately some partners of pedophiles just cannot accept or believe the truth about their spouse, even in the face of overwhelming evidence. There are a lot of reasons why but that in no way mitigates the pain that you and your children continue to experience.

    I hope you find a way to peace. It sounds like you were the victim, which is even more heinous. Whether you were the primary victim, per law enforcement labels, or a secondary one, the pain is still huge. Again, I am so sorry.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  50. At this stage I am struggling to tell my story about what my husband has done.

    I need help with my inner anger, it is eating me up alive inside.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Unknown,

      I am happy to interact via email, if you would like. You can email me at my blog email address located under the "Contact me" link above.

      Hugs,
      Breda

      Delete
  51. I am struggling to speak about what my husband has done. I need help with my anger, it is eating me up inside, my first husband was abusive and my 2nd a paedophile.

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  52. Hi Jacqui,
    I would be happy to interact with you via email, if you would like. You can contact me at my email address located under the "Contact Me" link above.
    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  53. Hi, I'm so glad ive found this site. I found out my boyfriend of 2 and half years is a pedophile a few months ago and have been feeling very alone.
    I discovered emails on his account to underage girls asking to buy pictures and videos, one in relation to a baby. The was also an email chain of him getting a 13 year old prostitute. It made me feel so sick and disgusted. I loved this person so much, genuinely thought I'd spent my life with him but he manipulated me and hid a double life. I went straight to the police when I found out and the investigation is still ongoing and will continue for quite some time by the sounds of it. I hate that he gets to continue a normal life while this is happening, possibly doing the same thing to another woman. And I hate that I feel like I can't move on. I've tried dating a bit just to force it but my mind is constantly back there. Arghhhh I just hate the whole situation so much, no one should ever have to go through this!
    Sorry for ranting, felt like I needed it off my chest.

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  54. Dear Anonymous,

    I'm glad you found us as well but sorry for the circumstances that led you to find us! I'm happy that you are coming out of the yoke of darkness that is pedophilia and living in the light of truth. It is a brutal process but it is worth it. The darkness is so confusing.

    I'm so happy that you contacted the police. Let them do their job and continue on the road of recovery. It takes time to process through all that living with pedophilia entails but it sounds like you are on the right track.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  55. 7 months ago I found out my husband has been abusing our friends daughter, her parents had known for 6 months and did not report it, I reported it within 15 minutes of her disclosing it to me. My world has been ripped apart. I have 2 young boys who have their dad taken out of their lives over night. There are concerns my oldest (6year old) has been abused also. I had been with this man for 10 years since I was 18, he was the perfect husband and we had a great life. I now have to give evidence in the trial against him later this year. I'm struggling to figure out in my head that this person wasn't the one I have all my memories of and love for and finding it hard to see him as a monster. I want to hate him and I want to be angry but I'm just sad and numb. I have divorced him and I removed myself and children as soon as I found out and have been fighting to get my eldest therapy. I promised myself my children would have a great childhood and a mummy and daddy who loved them. I'm heartbroken that everything I wanted for them and myself has just disappeared overnight. How do people move on from this?

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  56. Dear Mummy_of2boys,
    I am so sorry your world has blown apart but very proud that you have made the right moves. Calling the authorities and a divorce attorney was absolutely the right thing to do. Getting therapy for your son is also good.

    Wrapping your head around your past is much more difficult. I would wager that your husband is a bit older than you, right? You were targeted by a skilled perpetrator, as were most women who find they married a pedophile. You had no way of knowing. I encourage you to find a therapist for yourself as well, one that has experience working with partners/former partners of pedophiles. You can come out of this intact but you will need partners along the journey.

    You are not alone. You did not cause this, could not control it and certainly could never cure it.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  57. Hi, I found this website after speaking to my brother about how my mother must be feeling. Our step father is an alcoholic and after getting drunk in a few family functions, he has molested 2 minor children in our family. One happened over 15 years ago and another about 3 years ago. One of those girls was my brother's step daughter. Since this has occurred my family has been destroyed. My brother blames my mother for accepting her husband's wrong actions and he no longer wants anything to do with our step father. Which he has the right to. He says he wants to mend his relationship with our mom, however, his actions seems to show different. Just yesterday my siblings and I had a meeting to discuss this and it ended in an altercation between my brother and sister. You see, my sister also live with my mom and our step father for many years and she defends him so this just leads into serious disagreements. My mom is in denial, she swears that he did not do anything. This situation is breaking her heart and although my heart breaks for the victims, I need to seek help for my mother and support her as much as I can. I was also a victim to molestation by an older cousin when I was elven and I wasn't able to speak about it to my mother until I was an adult. She did the same thing she is doing now. Act like nothing ever happened. Well thanks for reading my story, it's really helpful for the soul.

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  58. Dear Anonymous,

    I am so sorry for the pain, confusion and anger that your family is experiencing. While rereading your story, the thought occurred to me that no one in the perpetrator's sphere of influence is left untouched by his deviancy. Everyone is victimized in one way or another. This is not to minimize the very real pain felt by his primary victims but it is unfortunately not uncommon for families to split over these situations. The perpetrator is so able to deny, minimize and blame his actions on another that it is very confusing to know what is true and what is not.

    My hope for you is that you find health and healing. I highly recommend S-Anon for all of you. It is a 12-step anonymous group for individuals impacted by sexual addiction, which includes pedophilia.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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