Just Three Inches: The Bondage of Family Roles

The practice of binding young girls' feet to prevent them from growing was commonplace in China until early in the 20th century.  Small feet were considered beautiful and were a prerequisite for finding a wealthy husband.  The ideal length for an adult woman's foot was just three inches.  My granddaughter's feet were just a bit smaller than that at her birth.  Just three inches!  Can you imagine an adult woman's foot the size of this line?

The process of foot binding was harsh and painful and often necessitated breaking the bones in the feet and curling the toes under the sole of the foot.  Ouch!  My feet hurt just thinking about it.  Think of the restrictions this practice placed on a woman's ability to walk or a child's freedom to run and play.  Thank goodness the practice has died out in China!

And yet, there exists within any organization or system, practices that can be just as restrictive and just as harmful as Chinese foot binding.  I'm not talking about the outlandish things women of the 21st century do to make themselves more beautiful.  That's a topic for another article.  Rather, I am referring to those inflexible rules and rigid roles that all organizations have to some extent, including families.

In my family of origin, I was the "Good Child" and the "Caretaker," so of course I married a man who needed caring for.  Recovery has required that I take a long, hard look at not just my marriage but those messages that I received as a child and how they have influenced my choices over the years.  The "Good Child" doesn't make waves, earns good grades and goes from accomplishment to accomplishment.  She is often a leader and yet is quite serious and seldom plays.  She is adult-like, extra mature and seems to have it all together.  She is helpful and successful but internally she is scared, guilty, lonely and bound by shame.  As the caretaker, she takes on the responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family.  You couldn't paint a more accurate picture of me if you tried.

I've known since I was barely two that I was "Mommy's little helper" and was, as my therapist quipped, a "Step-stool child."  My childhood was spent on a step-stool--a stool that enabled me to reach the sink which was too high for me so I could wash dishes, or the cabinet where the cereal bowls were for my baby sister's breakfast.  I was the child who learned how to quiet a colicky baby while my mom prepared dinner and to diaper an infant before I was eight.  I have been the secret-keeper, the counselor and the parentified child.  And when I attempt to step out of those prescribed roles, the "system" fights back because it wants things to stay the same; it craves homeostasis.

But keeping things the same is done at the expense of the well-being and growth of the individuals within the system.  Much like the bound foot, the expected roles restrict growth and inhibit full flourishing of one's human potential.  Stepping out of the roles that bind us and flexing our individuality and growth is essential for recovery and personal transformation.  I can no longer be the caretaker, secret-keeper or the good child if I want to truly recover and become the person I was meant to be.  As I attempt to make these changes, the "system" pushes back, cajoling, shaming or trying to threaten me to "change back" to the familiar role.  My choice is either to allow the system to win or to continue to unbind myself regardless of the consequences to the system.

The cultural "system" in China insisted on a standard of beauty for a woman that was hurtful but the practice

thrived for centuries because systems demand constancy and homeostasis.  Many women with bound feet died when the Communists came to power because they were unable to work as hard as individuals without bound feet, so their food rations were reduced.  There are still elderly women in China, however, whose feet are just three inches long.  If it were possible in adulthood to reverse the process that began in childhood, imagine the joy and freedom these women could experience--the sheer delight of unimpeded movement. 

Fortunately, the human spirit is far more resilient than bound feet.  The broken and stunted bones of self can be reset and will grow again, once the restricting roles are removed.  The sole of our being doesn't have to remain stunted at just three inches, the potential for growth and transformation is unlimited when we are unbound.  So, I'm stretching my arches and wiggling my toes--freedom feels so good.  I think I'm gonna skip or dance around the garden of my growing selfhood.