Hi, I'm Brenda and I was married for over three decades to a man who had a secret identity--that of a pedophile. His "cover" was blown in a very public, devastating and traumatic way and I quickly divorced him. Of course, there are many more layers to the story but this is the short "elevator" version. You can explore my blog for more of the story! I share some of the details of my life in order to help others who are isolated by the secrecy inherent in living with an individual with a sexual compulsion or addiction. Any change brings loss but unanticipated or imposed change can be quite traumatic. And for those of us unfortunate enough to have fallen in love with men who are pedophiles, the shame and fear is paralyzing. It is not a club anyone would intentionally join. But there is hope on the other side--my story did not end on a cold day in February! In many ways, it was just beginning but I didn't know that then. Recovery is a long journey with hills and valleys, detours and road blocks. It is measured by progress, not perfection. The pace of the journey is set at "easy goes it" and is different for each person. The goal is to be gentle with one's self and to fiercely and with determination go into the depths of the pain that dogs us. This is my journey--a solitary one because it is one only I can make for myself. I'm glad you stopped by for a visit!
Brenda Elysium
Telling my story at a conference
Telling my story at a conference
I have been married to a pedophile for 46 years, but have only really know for 10. Now I am realizing some 'red flags" I should have noticed but was in denial and see how it has affected my daughter. I am very certain he has never added out or molested a child, but I don't know if I can continue in this marriage.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry--46 years is a long time! How did you discover that you were married to a pedophile?
Brenda
Dearest Brenda, your story sounds similar to mine. I only recently found out. I need desperately to talk to you and/or other women. I don't want to go public about this at this time. Can you or someone email me please? In Christ's Unfathomable Love, Anon
ReplyDeleteI married my husband 4 years ago. We both got married at the age of 33. I had my son 2 years ago and we had a great life. My husband was an amazing man and father. 8 month ago, the FBI raided our house at 6 am. My 2 year old son and I were told nothing and just watched as they went through our entire house. My husband was arrested for child pornography. He had downloaded nude photos of young girls (ages 8 and 9). My whole world came crashing down. Never in a million years did I ever think he could do something like this. He told me he had been looking at these photos since college and that he doesn’t know why he didn’t delete them. I filed for divorce and he was not allowed to come home after his parents bailed him out of jail. He has supervised visits with our son but my in laws are lying to his family about what really happened. They are saying that the police lied about the ages of the girls and that he accidentally downloaded the pics. Now, my husband and I are fighting over money and who gets what in the divorce. I now have to raise our child alone because of him and he wants to give me 40% of the money because he had it before we were married. So I’m struggling with betrayal from him, his family lying to everyone, and the fact that he is putting himself first above his family. He had a great life. He is an engineer and I am a scientist. We have a gorgeous home and son. He chose himself and put his desires before his family when he continuously went on those websites. Now he acts like he did nothing wrong and that I am ridiculous for getting an order for supervised visits. Why don’t they have support groups for women like us?
ReplyDeleteThe investigation is still on-going and he doesn’t tell me anything, of course.